Pulling Puzzles Apart
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Stendan AU. Ste is on the path of self destruction and Amy suggests he talks to someone...a psychologist. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Pulling Puzzles Apart :)**

It's been nearly three months since I last hit Amy. We're not together anymore, but I guess I only have myself to blame. I have said sorry till I'm blue in the face, but she has made her mind up about us and she doesn't want me in that way now. She has even started dating again, some bloke called Dan. I wonder how she can move on so quickly, but I suppose after everything that I put her through she needs some happiness. I should be pleased for her, but I'm not. At least she hasn't kicked me out…yet.

She said I could stay with her and the kids as long as I behave myself and try and sort myself out, but I can't see that happening anytime soon. I thank god I have Leah and Lucas, they are my blessings and they keep me sane. If it wasn't for them I think I'd be lying in a gutter somewhere. I just get so angry sometimes and then Amy starts on me and I just lose it, it's like I become a different person. I want to change my ways, I want to be a better man, but I'm not as bad as Amy makes out.

She thinks that I need to go and see someone and speak about my past and my anger issues, but I don't see the point. She keeps on and on about it all the time, but I'm alright me. I just lose my temper sometimes. Her continuous nagging worked though and tomorrow I've got an appointment to see some psychologist bloke, apparently he will take notes and monitor me and my behavior. I can't even remember the bloke's name I'm supposed to be seeing, that's how much it means to me. Anyway I'm doing this for her not me.

I don't want her thinking that I don't care enough about her because I do. Who knows this could even bring us closer together and we might even be able to put the past behind us and start again. I do love Amy, but I think somewhere along the line we fell out of love with each other. Maybe by doing this I can win her back and make her fall in love with me all over again. She seems happy now though, happier than I made her and I can't stand it. I can't stand someone else putting a smile on her face.

Soon the kids will be calling him Daddy Dan and I'll just be shut out of their lives. I'll be nobody. Maybe some good will come out of all this, I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I really don't know what I'm going to talk about with this bloke though, I have nothing to say to him and If I did tell him anything, he'd only judge me and I'm not having that. Still if I really hate it I just won't go again. I'll just pretend to Amy that I go every week.

Amy thinks that I have real problems. She thinks I'm headed for prison if I don't sort myself out. She tells me I'm on a long path of self-destruction and if I don't get help now I will ruin everything. Maybe she is right, but what good will talking to a stranger do? He is going to pry into my life, ask loads of questions when nothing out of the ordinary has really happened to me. So I thieve a little and I've been in juvee, I've hit my girlfriend and lost countless jobs, but that doesn't mean I need help does it?

Amy wanted to come with me today, but to be honest I'd rather go on my own. I'm a little bit nervous and I don't want her seeing me like that. Men are supposed to be strong not weak, then again real men don't hit women so I guess I'm not a real man anyway. It takes me two buses to get there and as I walk into the unfamiliar building I suddenly feel like a school kid again, waiting to see the headmaster. Everyone looks dead posh in here and even though I'm dressed in my best trackies, I still feel out of place.

I make my way over to the reception desk and hand the kind looking lady my appointment letter. She tells me to head down the corridor, take a left and wait in the waiting area to be called in. I smile at her and follow her instructions, although I very nearly went right instead of left. I never was any good with my left and right. The waiting room is quite small and three other people are sat patiently waiting. All I want to do now is turn around and go home.

There is another small reception desk, only this time the lady isn't as kind looking, she looks harsh and judgmental and working in a place like this, she probably is. There are five rooms and I can't help but wonder which one I am going to be called into. The waiting room is hot and some bloke sat opposite me is tapping his feet and it's really starting to get on my nerves. I might have to tell him to stop it in a minute, maybe I could take some of my anger out on his face.

I take another five minutes of his annoying tapping before I open my mouth as if to speak, but the receptionist calls my name and tells me to go into room two. I'd have bet a tenner on room three, just my luck. I knock on the door and hear a strong Irish accent telling me to come in. I feel strange, like I'm going to be sick and I tell myself to get a grip and then enter room two. I stare intently at the man I'm going to be sharing moments of my life with and I have to say he's surprisingly young.

He is all suited and booted, smart and confident and I'm a bag of nerves already. He is sat down with a pen in his hand and a notebook in front of him and I feel like I'm being judged already. He's got some kind of YMCA tash going on and I want to laugh, but I don't. I walk further into the room and then he speaks.

"Steven isn't it?"

"Um…yeah, but Ste's fine."

"Steven it is then. Take a seat. I'm Dr Brady but you can call me Brendan."

**Shall i continue this?**

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	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed followed and favoured this story. It really means a lot to me. I thought I'd give you all another chapter as you were all so kind. Enjoy xx**

**Pulling Puzzles Apart **

**Chapter Two :)**

I take a seat in front of him, I say seat but it's more like a small sofa. It's black leather and as I sit down I can feel the coldness on my bum, but it's comfortable enough. I can see him looking at me intently as if he's already trying to figure me out. He looks dead sophisticated; I bet he's got loads of money. His suit alone must have cost him a bit; it makes me wonder what I'd look like in a suit, it must make you feel dead powerful.

For a minute the room is silent, so silent that you could hear a pin drop. I start biting my nails because I don't know how to be and his longing stare is making me feel on edge. My tummy is doing somersaults and I feel like any minute now I might throw up.

"That's a really dirty habit you've got there Steven." He says finally breaking the silence.

I don't reply to him but I remove my finger from my mouth and then sit on my hands so that I won't be tempted to do it again.

"Right now just relax Steven okay?"

I can't relax, I never relax not really and I'm not about to start now. Not everyone can talk and be open.

"I'm not here to judge ye. We can talk as much or as little as ye want. I can assure ye though whatever we do talk about is strictly confidential okay?"

"Yeah I'm all good me."

"So let's start by talking about your relationships with your family. What kind of relationship have you got with your Dad?"

"I don't know him, he could be anyone. He could even be you."

I laugh out loud, you know one of those mad laughs, but he doesn't look impressed. I don't think he has a sense of humour.

"And does that bother ye? Not knowing who he is?"

"Nah I don't care me, it's his loss init."

I do care deep down, I've always wondered about my Dad. My life might have been different if he had stuck around. I could see Brendan taking notes and I desperately wanted to know what he was writing. _Bastard, unloved, waster, chav; _were a few things that sprung to my mind.

"So have ye had any other male role models in ye life?"

I was wondering when he'd ask that; I don't really wanna talk about Terry. He ruined my childhood and I really don't want to open up that can of worms.

"Steven did ye hear what I said?"

I must have gone off into my own little world; the thought of Terry does that to me.

"Yeah sorry…no I had no one."

It was of course a lie, but he didn't know that did he?

"So it was just ye and your Mum then Steven?"

"Yeah me and my lovely Mum, I owe everything to her."

I really don't want him to ask any more about her. I'm not ready for all of this.

"Did I detect a hint of sarcasm in ye voice there?"

"No not all. Me and Pauline…I mean me and my Mum are solid. You know really close."

"So what makes you angry Steven?"

"This does, talking about my past and stuff."

"Do I make you angry?"

"A bit yeah."

"Maybe ye are just frightened to open up and deal with things, but talking helps. You need to release all that negative energy that ye are carrying around."

"Look I don't even know you right? You're asking loads of questions that I don't even want to answer and to be honest I think this is a waste of time. I'd rather be at home with me kids."

"How many kids do ye have Steven?"

"Two. A girl and a boy…Leah and Lucas. They are my whole world and I'd do anything for them."

"Well ye have finally said something I believe."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that everything else that you've said to me has not been exactly true has it?"

"No! What makes you think that I'm not telling the truth?"

"Body language, your reactions and years of experience."

"Right I've had enough of this. Who do you think you are? I don't need to talk to you and I don't want to anymore. I'm fine the way I am. I don't need this therapy shit."

I stand up to leave because I don't want him prying. I don't want him to know that I was once abused, but now I am the abuser. It all hurts me, makes me so mad and I don't want to relive the life I used to live. I walk towards the door already regretting my decision to leave. Amy will never forgive me if I don't do this and then I'll lose my kids for good.

"Steven." He calls interrupting my thoughts of Amy.

"If ye leave then that's it, ye won't be given this chance again. Let me help ye."

I turn to face him and I really don't know what to do.

"I don't think I can do this. I'm not at a good place right now."

"Look Steven, what have ye got to lose? Give it a try, it might be for ye, it might not, but ye won't know until ye try. Come and sit back down."

I do as I'm asked and I go and sit back down on the leather sofa.

"I'm sorry for what I said and I'm sorry for losing my temper."

"I'm used to it Steven. Now let's start again shall we? I want to ask ye about your Dad again and this time the truth."

"Like I said, I don't know my Dad, but I do have a step Dad."

"Right that's good, now we're getting somewhere. So how do ye feel about him?"

"I don't even know where to start."

"How about from the beginning"

I took a deep breath mainly to stop myself from crying, this really is embarrassing. I feel so vulnerable.

"Are ye okay to go on Steven?"

"Yeah, it's just I haven't talked about him for a while."

"So let's start with his name."

"Terry, my step Dads name is Terry."

Once again, his pen is writing notes on the notepad in front of him and I'm just about to relive my worst nightmare. This is gonna be a really long hour.

**Not sure about this, please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**I am blown away by all the reviews, I can't tell you how happy they all made me. Thank you very much. I will try my hardest to do two updates a week. I hope you all continue to enjoy it. **

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter three :)**

I tried my hardest not to cry, I'd been in here Five minutes and already I was a blubbering mess. I think it hit me again all over. Thinking of Terry was bad enough, but to say his name out loud made something inside me snap. Remembering everything he did to me made everything inside me hurt. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and I was about to expose my torment to a complete stranger.

"Steven…I know this is hard for ye. Do ye want to talk about something else?"

"No I'll be okay in a minute. Sorry I feel dead stupid crying."

"Ye don't ever have to say sorry to me…ever, okay?"

"It's just that crying is for girls ain't it?"

"Do ye really believe that Steven?"

"I don't know what I believe anymore."

"So what's the happiest memory ye have of Terry?"

A happy memory, how can I answer that when I don't have any? I could make something up, but even he seems to know when I'm lying. Amy always did say I was a rubbish liar. Think Ste think there must be at least one. He's looking at me, waiting for me to answer, but I don't know what to say.

"Honestly? I don't have one. Hang on there is this one time."

"What happened Steven?"

"He hit Pauline really bad; he left her afterwards saying that he was never coming back. I thought things were gonna change, I thought it was just gonna be us, but the next day he came back."

"So ye only good memory of him is still a bad one?"

"I guess…"

"What about ye worst memory of him?"

"I have a lot of them."

"Okay have ye any that ye want to share with me?"

My face must look a mess to him, a mixture of sadness and rage. I feel like I could tell him every bad memory I have, but I'm ashamed. What if he sees in me what Terry did? He would always remind me how better the world would be without people like me in it. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I deserved everything I got, but then I got older and saw how my friends lived their life and it was very different to mine.

"I remember this one time, we went to the shops. I had my backpack with me as I wanted to play football with my friends, but Terry dragged me with him instead. I must have been around nine of ten and when we were in the shop he stuffed some things in my bag."

"Things…what things Steven?"

"Washing powder, chops…you know stuff. Anyway Terry was getting his booze and fags and something fell out of my bag…it was a packet of custard creams. I always remember because they were Pauline's favourites."

"So what happened after that?"

"Terry shouted at me in front of everyone…I can still hear him…"

"What have you fucking done now Ste? Nicking from our local shop, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"I tried to say I didn't do it, but his voice was louder and everyone thought he was a decent bloke. Taking on a woman with a delinquent son, man needs a medal. The way he looked at me, I knew I was gonna get it when I got home."

"And did ye?"

"Well put it this way, I didn't play football in the end. I had two black eyes, broken ribs and I couldn't sit down for a least a week where he'd beat my backside with a belt."

"Have ye ever told anyone?"

"I tried telling Pauline, but she refused to listen. She never acted like a mum to me anyway. Amy knows and now you…that's it."

I couldn't believe I was sharing all this with him. I didn't even wanna speak to anyone and now I couldn't stop the words if I wanted to. I mean Brendan really listens to me, but it's just a job to him. Maybe that's why I'm so shocked at myself for sharing these horrible parts of my life.

"So you don't feel like you're mum ever supported you?"

"No, she supported Terry with everything though and I don't suppose I've ever got over that. They are the type of wounds that never heal."

I noticed him writing again, he must have jotted down loads of notes as this is now the third time he's turned over the page in his book.

"Tell me more about ye mum Steven."

"What do you wanna know?"

"Anything that ye wanna tell me?"

"She used to sing a lot, although she sounded like a cat being strangled, it kinda comforted me."

"Why do ye think that is?"

"Because every time she sung Terry wasn't in and I knew I was safe for a little while."

"So ye mum never hurt ye like Terry did?"

"She did a few times, but she hurt me more mentally. Calling me names and making me feel worthless. She put alcohol and Terry before me every time. Sometimes at night I would lay in bed wishing that I'd go to sleep and never wake up."

"That must have been horrible for ye. Did ye have anyone that ye could rely on?"

"Not really. I suppose that's how I became involved with the wrong crowd. I just wanted to belong somewhere. Can you understand that?"

"Yes I can Steven."

He stares down, avoiding any eye contact with me. His face is sad and for a minute it looks like he understands completely, like something similar had happened to him, but the moment soon passes as quick as it came and I'm left doubting the expression I just witnessed on his face.

"I think we should leave it there today Steven. Ye have done really well and considering ye didn't wanna talk earlier, we've made real progress."

"Yeah I didn't think I'd be able to talk to you, but you made it real easy."

"So will I see ye next week Steven?"

"Do you know what? I think you will."

"Well I'm glad to hear it. Remember this will take a long time, it's not a quick fix, but I can help ye if ye let me. I want ye to take this questionnaire home with ye, fill it in and we'll go through it next week. It's about how you're feeling, what makes ye mad things like that. It's worth doing."

"I will see you soon then…thank you."

"See ye Steven and take care of yourself."

I leave the room feeling very emotional, finding it hard to leave everything I've just talked about in there. I don't want to take all this shit home with me. Amy will want to know what happened and I'll have to go through it all again. Maybe I could drown my sorrows somewhere and go home when I feel a bit better. I want to believe Brendan, i want to believe that this could help me, but i can't help but wonder if it's going to cause more trouble than it's worth.

**I hope you enjoyed it, looking forward to knowing what you all think. Please review xx xx xx **


	4. Chapter 4

**Didn't get as many reviews for chapter Three, but I hope you are all still enjoying it. Anyway here's the next chapter.**

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Four :)**

I got on the bus home and ignored my initial thought to go to the pub and drown my sorrows. I thought that talking about stuff was supposed to make you feel better, but right now I felt like shit. Visions of my past flickering in my mind like a slide show and Terry's face was right at the forefront. I get why Amy wanted me to do this, but it's hard seeing him again, even though it's only in my head.

I wait as patiently as I can for the second bus, but I'm itching to get home now. I feel like everyone is looking at me, I feel exposed as if I'm waiting at this run down bus stop naked. I sit down on the bench, trying to shield myself from the world and I wonder if the people around can tell that I'm a damaged chav who hits his girlfriend, has no job and no future prospects. If this is what opening up does to you then I think it's better if I keep my feelings closed, locked away forever.

I notice a little boy and his Dad take a seat next to me. The boy is only young, around five or six, they are sat cuddling and the Dad is reading him a story. They look dead close and the little boy is looking at his Dad intently, with such love and admiration in his eyes. It makes my heart ache; I wish I could have had that. It reminds me of a time me and Terry were waiting for a bus, only this memory wasn't filled with love and stories.

I was around the same age, five or six and Terry was on about taking me to a pub in town. He said I'd like it, he said there were lots of things to do there. I remember him telling me before we left the house.

_"Right I want you to pick up all the long fag butt's you see off of the floor. Then I want you to put them in your pockets and remember we don't know each other until we get to the pub. I don't want people thinking that you are anything to do with me okay? If you do what I've asked you, I won't beat your dirty little face tonight."_

I remember Terry sat talking to this old couple about the youth of today, but all that mattered to me was finding fag butts. I could see everyone looking at me, but I didn't care. This was going to stop me from getting beaten tonight. I remember the dirty smell on my fingers, it made me feel sick, but that was nothing compared to my bulging pockets filled with butts and when I'd finished I smelt just like a stale ashtray.

I even had to get my ticket and sit on the back of the bus on my own. I knew it was wrong, but I kept thinking that maybe one day it'll get better, that one day he'll love me. Of course that didn't happen and any hopes I had of a normal childhood were beaten out of me until I understood…until I accepted my fate. At the age of ten I stopped having hopes and any dreams I had were one's of Terry going out and never coming home, even though life with Pauline wasn't much better.

While my friends were playing football, laughing and spending time with their families, I was often left alone, hungry and searching for a place to hide, a place where Terry would never find me. Only he always found me. I would get twice the beating for trying to hide, but I wouldn't give up. I still searched for a place that he wouldn't get to me. The bus turns up and I watch the little boy and his Dad walk on hand in hand and I can't hold back my tears any longer. I give the driver my ticket and I find myself sitting at the back just like I used to. Then I let the tears fall freely and I cry all the way home.

I reach the village and decide that the only place I wanna be now is the pub. I need to stop thinking; I need to get that disgusting man off my mind. Amy will no doubt be worried about me, but I have to do this, I just want to forget. By the time I reach the dog it's just gone twelve and I've already got a missed call from Amy on my phone.

I only have twenty pound on me and that was what Amy gave me to get a bit of shopping on the way home. Still I didn't have to spend all of it and I'm sure she'd understand that I needed one after everything that I've just gone through. But the vodka's kept flowing until I had no money left, but it didn't matter I could easily pop into price slice on the way home and steal a few bits. It's not like I hadn't done it before. I leave the pub a bit worse for wear, drinking on an empty stomach never did agree with me.

I can't even remember what Amy wanted me to get as I stumble into the shop. Luckily Cindy was serving today; she was too busy flirting with some hottie that was drooling over her to notice me. Must be my lucky day. I walked around the shop clumsily, grabbing bits as I went and shoving them into my jacket. Cindy didn't have a clue what I'd just done and as I leave the shop with a jacket full of goodies I can't help but grin to myself. That was amazing, such a rush, how I've missed that feeling.

I stumble home, holding on to the bottom of my jacket, I'm too wobbly to get my key in the door, so I bang on it loudly. Amy opens it and she doesn't look impressed by my drunken behavior.

"What the hell! Are you drunk Ste?"

"Yeah I am Ames and I feel great."

"Get inside now will ya. What is all that in your jacket? Oh my god have you been stealing again Ste?"

Amy pulled me inside, slamming the front door shut. Once in the living room she undone my jacket, emptying the contents all over the floor. Chicken, steak, beans, biscuits, toothpaste, wipes, nappies, you name it, it was all there.

"Did you spend the twenty pound on drink Ste? And I want the truth."

"Yeah I did, but you've still got your shopping so it doesn't matter."

"That's not the point Ste. I can't believe you. Why are you being like this? Did you even go to your appointment today?"

"Why do you think I'm like this Amy? I told you I didn't wanna go."

"You can't use that as an excuse Ste. I told you it's gonna get worse before it gets better. Please I'm begging you, don't do this again. Thank god the kids aren't home yet. Now get out of my sight and sleep it off."

"Don't speak to me like that Amy, who do you think you are? You don't control me, I control my own life."

I could feel myself getting angry, the familiar rage bubbling over inside me.

"Do you know what Ste? You are just like him."

"What did you say Amy?"

"I said you are just like Terry."

And before I could even think about what I was doing, I had pushed her up against the wall, drawing my fist back as if to hit her.

"Go on Ste do it, but you'll never see your kids again if you do."

I drop my fist and let go of her. I can't believe I came so close to hitting her again and already I feel ashamed of myself and what I'd just done.

Amy moved away quickly, he eyes were wild, she was terrified and all I could say to her was sorry. The thing is I was sorry, sorry for everything; she was the last person I wanted to hurt.

"Sorry isn't good enough this time Ste; I don't even wanna be around you. I think it's best if I go and stay with my Dad for a few weeks, me and the kids. When I come back I want you gone and out of my life."

I drop to the floor defeated, scared and all alone, but I had no one to blame but myself. I had pushed away the only person who had really ever stood by me. I must have crashed out on the floor for a good few hours as when I come to; I'm sat in darkness and totally alone. Amy has gone, the kids are gone and all I have left for company is my thoughts. Thoughts of Terry and Pauline, thoughts of them destroying my life again, only this time I'm destroying it myself. I am doing to my family what they did to me. I have to end this; I have to change my life and not just for Amy, Leah and Lucas, but for me as well. I can't let him win this time.

**Let me know what you think.**

**Please review xx xx xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Five :)**

Part of me didn't want a session with Dr Brady today. I feel drained emotionally, but after spending all week on my own the other part of me thinks that it will actually be good to have a conversation with someone. Even if the conversation is one sided with the occasional _"and how do you feel about that" _thrown in. Amy hadn't called. No one had called. It's like I'm isolating myself from everyone and the worst thing is I can't seem to stop it. I knew that Amy wouldn't take much more, she gave me enough chances and i think I've just had my last one. I have one week left to find somewhere to live and I have no job, so what the hell am I going to do? It doesn't look very good for me, but I'll just sleep on the streets if I have to, I've done it before. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose. I can't expect Amy to forgive me every time and although I didn't hit her, I came close. I could see the fear in her eyes, but I feel in control when she is scared of me, It's like what I say goes. How fucked up is that?

I sit down in the waiting room and wait to be called; there is no one else here and I'm feeling glad about that. At least Mr lets tap my feet loudly and annoy everyone isn't here, I nearly smacked him one last week. I wonder why it's so quiet. The bloke on the bus told me it was 8.43 am and that was about ten minutes ago, so I know I'm not late. Maybe it's just me that needs guidance today. As long as it doesn't mess with my head like last time I'm okay, then again I have no one else to push away now. Everyone has gone. My name is called and I make my way over to the familiar door, it's like Groundhog Day, I'm even wearing the same clothes. I hope the posh Doc doesn't notice. I expect he'll be too busy judging me and taking notes. I feel small around him, I feel like I shouldn't even be sharing the same air as him, but I know it's my problem and not his. He's obviously had a better start in life; he's one of the lucky ones.

I knock on the door before I enter. He is wearing glasses today; he looks even more posh if that's possible. So not only does he have the funkiest tash I've ever seen he also has four eyes as well. Mind you the glasses kinda suit him. He gestures for me to take a seat and smiles a little at me; he must sense how nervous I'm feeling. I'm still getting over last week's shenanigans. I remember what Amy said _"It'll get worse before it gets better"_ At least I'm prepared now, I know what to expect.

_"Hello Steven, how's your week been?"_

"Good thanks, yours?"

_"Mine was very average Steven thanks, but were not here to talk about me are we?"_

"No sorry."

_"What are ye sorry for?"_

"I dunno."

_"So ye week then.. what's been happening?"_

Nearly beat up Amy, lost my kids, have nowhere to live and have decided that I'm a complete and utter waster…just like Terry said.

"Not much really, I've been spending some time alone this week. You know thinking about stuff."

_"Ye done ye homework for me to have a look through?"_

"No, I didn't have time."

_"Too much thinking Steven?"_

"Yeah something like that."

_"So what do ye wanna talk about this week?"_

"You're the one with all the questions, you decide."

_"I try, but the thing is you keep hiding things from me Steven. So maybe it might be easier if we do this your way."_

"Hiding things? What am I hiding?"

_"Ye said ye had a good week, but ye eyes tell me different."_

"It's because I've been on my own all week."

_"And whys that?"_

"Me and Amy, that's the mother of me kids. We had a row."

_"What about Steven?"_

"It's silly really."

_"I'm listening."_

"I'm not very good at this talking stuff. I find it hard to express myself, especially when everything is my fault."

_"Like what?"_

"Last week after talking to you, I couldn't stop thinking about everything. Terry, Pauline, my past and how I was treated. I felt like everything was getting on top of me. Amy had given me some money to pick up some shopping on the way home, but I spent it all in the pub."

_"Is that what the row was about?"_

"No there's more."

_"Go on."_

"I can't."

_"Why not Steven?"_

"I'm ashamed."

_"Like I said I'm not here to Judge ye Steven."_

"She was nagging at me because I'd spent all the money in the shop, but I sorted it so it didn't matter."

_"Sorted it how exactly?"_

"I stole a bunch of stuff, you know things we needed. I know it's wrong, but my family comes first."

_"So if that were true why did you spend the money on drink?"_

"Are you saying that I don't put my family first? You think I'm scum don't you? I can see it, it's written all over your face."

_"Calm down. I'm not saying anything. Do ye think its okay to take whatever ye want?"_

"No I don't but I messed up and I had to fix it. Amy got mad though, made me feel even worse and my head was all over the place. I didn't want to do it; I've been doing so well. It's been like three months since…"

_"Since what?"_

I look down on the floor; there is no way I can look at him when I tell him what kind of man I am. He's not stupid though he knows; he knows exactly what I'm made off. He probably had me all figured out last week.

"Since, I hit her..."

The room fell silent and I look up slightly because right now I feel like the biggest wanker. Hearing myself tell a total stranger made it sound even worse. If he felt disgusted I couldn't tell. I just sat in silence as he wrote his notes, notes that probably included the words _Total waster, Girlfriend beater, Should've been strangled at birth. _I wanted him to say something, anything, but he just carried on writing.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's nothing I don't already think of myself. I know what I am. What kind of man hits the mother of his kids?"

_"What makes you do it Steven?"_

"I get so mad with her and then when I get angry with her I feel in control. It's like she is the only think in my life I have any control over. I do it and then I hate myself afterwards. I didn't hit her this time, I nearly did but I didn't. She has gone to stay with her dad for a few weeks, with the kids. She wants me out of her life for good."

_"Did she say that Steven?"_

"Yeah she said she wants me gone by the time she comes home. I know I'm only bringing her and the kids down. I have no job and soon I'll have nowhere to live. Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just killed myself. Terry was right about me all along."

_"Steven there is always a solution. We are all here to help ye and ye have already taken a massive step by talking to me. Ye show remorse for your actions, which to me makes me think ye want to change. Talk to Amy, ask for her help, I'm sure she won't see you homeless."_

"She has already given me so many chances though."

_"Ask for one more, see what she says."_

What's wrong with this man? He's got me crying again. I feel like such a freak.

"I want to change; I want to make me kids proud of me."

_"Let's lay off the hard stuff for a while. Tell me something positive about yourself, what are ye good at?"_

I dry my tears on the sleeve of my trackie top and sniff hard; I really have to learn how to control my emotions.

"Not much…although I enjoy cooking. I don't know if I'm any good at it though. Amy loves me cooking, she recons it's the best she's ever tasted."

_"That's a great start isn't it? Maybe ye could look for a job that involves cooking?"_

"Would you employ me? I mean look at the state of me."

_"Ye just need to think positively Steven. Think of Amy and the kids. And no I wouldn't employ ye. But that's because ye wouldn't be any good at this type of job."_

I let out a little laugh and I see him smiling back at me, I feel relaxed for the first time in a while and it feels good. Amy is always telling me I need to relax more. Maybe this talking shit does help.

_"What do ye like about yourself?"_

"That's easy, right now nothing; I hate the person I am."

_"There must be something Steven. Think."_

"I'm a good listener, at least so I'm told. Hey I guess we have that it common. See I could do your job."

_"So ye like to cook and you're a good listener? It's amazing what ye find out when ye talk about things."_

"When you put it like that yeah. I guess I'm just used to people putting me down, no one has ever said anything nice about me before. Amy did but I never believed her, because when we rowed she'd say bad things just like everyone else. Reminded me of home."

_"I think we'll leave it there for today. Ye are starting to open up now and that's what this is all about. Just remember to stay focused and do the homework. Okay Steven?"_

"I can't believe an hour has gone already."

_"An hour and twenty minutes to be precise."_

"Oh sorry."

_"Do ye always say sorry?"_

"Yeah I do, even when it's not my fault."

_"I've noticed. See ye next week Steven."_

"Thank you. See ya."

I felt better leaving there today, not so angry, sad more than anything. Sad because I know I'm wasting my life and I just want to be better. Once back in the village I pop into the shop. I have a few quid left of my dole money so I treat myself to a two bottles of cheap cider and ten fags. Tomorrow is a new day; I might even look for a job. I head home and enjoy an afternoon of Jeremy Kyle. That bloke really is funny. I feel a little tipsy, I've only drunk one of the bottles of cider, but I've had nothing to eat and sometimes that makes all the difference. I pretty much chain smoked my ten fags and I hate having to smoke the butts. The knock at the door startles me, making me drop my fag butt on the floor. I jump but only because no one visits me and if it was Amy she would just use her key. I make my way over to the door and open it up to see Dr Brady standing there.

_"Hello Steven, I'm sorry to come to your home. I was wondering if you had a minute?"_

"Um…yeah…sure come in. Just ignore the mess."

I showed him into the dingy living room, clearing a space for him to sit down. God this was embarrassing. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd have cleaned up a bit.

_"I'm not supposed to do this but I took a look on the job center web site and found a few jobs available in your area. They all involve cooking; I thought ye could take a look."_

"Wow really that's great…thanks."

I take the jobs from him and put them down on the coffee table.

_"Aren't ye gonna take a look Steven?"_

"Yeah I will later. Can I get you a drink?"

_"No thanks I'd better not."_

"Come on as a thank you."

_"Okay just one. I'll have a coffee please."_

"Sorry Doc, I only have some cheap cider."

_"Cheap cider it is then, but only a small glass for me."_

"I go out to the kitchen, look for the best glass I have and pour him a drink. As I walk over to him, I trip on a toy that is left on the floor. The glass drops, smashing as it hits the deck, christ knows where the cider went, but I notice that I have fallen on top of him. He grabs hold of me and I am laughing like a donkey, but he is just watching me, staring intently and it makes my heart flutter. I don't move and he doesn't push me away. I feel like I'm being sucked in by him and I lick my lips out of nerves and then I…I kiss him. It feels like he is kissing me back for a little while, but then I feel him pushing me away. I land on the floor and look on at him. His eyes are wide, angry and I can't believe what I've just done.

_"Did ye just kiss me?"_

"I'm sorry, I thought…"

_"I just wanted to help ye Steven. I'll see myself out."_

Oh my god what have I done?

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	6. Chapter 6

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Six :)**

I couldn't believe what I'd just done, kissing him like that, what the hell is wrong with me? It must be the drink because I've never even kissed a man before. I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't thinking at all. How am I going to face him now? I just can't, simple as, I can't face him after throwing myself at him. I expect he's having a good laugh about me now, laughing at what a fool I've been. I mean how did I think this would end? He shows me a bit of support, genuine kindness and this is how I repay him. I know that it's his job to listen, but it feels like he really listens to me. He's the first person who ever has and now I've gone and fucked it all up. I pick myself up from the floor and lay down on the sofa, images of what I'd just done flashing in my mind and then everything hits me like the worst punch that Terry ever gave me. It's then that I realise that we're not so different, only I don't want to be like him, but history is repeating itself and I can't seem to stop it.

I've lost everything that is good in my life and now I've lost Brendan as well. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, just when I thought that he might be the one to save me, just when I thought I was going to get my life back on track, it all goes wrong. I really thought that with his help I could fight my demons and finally beat them for good. I thought that doing this would make me a better man for Amy and a better dad for my kids, but now I just feel disgusted with myself. I'm totally ashamed and there is no way that I'm going back to see him now. I'm a mess and I've made a mess of my life, Amy deserves better and hopefully without me bringing her down, she can have the life she should've had all along. I have nothing to offer anyone; I can't even look after myself. My life has already been mapped out; there is no point in trying to change it. This is as good as it gets for me and being a total waster is all I've ever been and all I'll ever be.

I sit up and take a look at the job's that Brendan printed off for me, but I can't make out much, it just looks like a jumbled up mess of words. Maybe I should have told him that I'm thick as well, I mean I can barely read or write and I'm dyslexic. I rip them up in anger, anger that I'm so stupid, okay yeah it's nice of Brendan to bring them round, but I can't even fucking read them. I am never going to get a job, who would hire a useless lowlife like me? I get up from the sofa and get the remaining cider from the fridge. I don't even bother getting a glass, what's the point when I know I'm going to drink the lot. I was just about to sit back down on the sofa when I hear a knock at the door. I think about ignoring it for a second as no one ever knocks, especially when Amy is away, but I answer it anyway. I am totally shocked to see Brendan stood at the door. I try to close it, but he is quicker than me and before I know it I am being pushed backwards and he is stood in the hallway.

I nearly lose my balance, but I manage to keep from falling over and I watch him close the door and move towards me. The look in his eyes is unnerving and I wonder what the hell he is going to do to me. I move backwards until I am flush against the wall and he is moving closer and closer until he is almost inside my skin. I am scared now; he's probably here to teach me a lesson for trying to kiss him. I close my eyes and wait for the punch to come; only it doesn't, instead I feel his lips connect with mine. He pulls away and looks at me…really looks at me and then he places his lips against mine again and I feel my own lips moving slightly, letting him know that I want this too. He pulls away again, only this time he smiles a little and I know what's coming next when he grabs hold of me. He kisses me passionately and I kiss him back with everything I've got.

His lips feel amazing on mine, our tongues connect, tangle up together and I think I might have died and gone to heaven. I have never been kissed like this and I'm desperate for more. I feel his hands all over me, I want to touch him back more than anything, but I've never touched a man before and I don't want him to think I'm inexperienced, not when he clearly knows what he's doing. I feel him rub at my growing hard on and I moan into his mouth, I feel so turned on now and he knows it. I need some air, I want to pull away from him, but I can't, it's like my lips are super glued to his. His hand has now found its way underneath my trackie's and boxers and he is pulling at my cock impatiently. He is eager, almost frantic for it, but it's fine, I'm enjoying the ride. I feel a little more confident now and my hands are now all over him, almost as if I am copying how he touched me. My hand travels down to the buttons on his trousers and I want to feel him, just like he is feeling me, but I don't get very far.

He breaks the contact, moving away from me and I am left wondering what I'd just done wrong. We are both breathless and I am stood with my trackie's and boxers round by my ankles. I want to ask him why he pulled away, why I feel loss of a sudden, now that his lips have left mine, but I don't say anything and neither does he. Once his breath is back he turns away from me and makes his way over to the door. He opens the door and leaves, not looking back, which I'm glad about. What must I look like to him? I pull up my clothes, trying hard to hide the hardness that I now have thanks to him. It's throbbing now though, aching and I wish he was still here touching me, claiming me and taking me to places that I've never been before. Only I'm left alone and now I just feel stupid all over again. I make my way over to the sofa and I lay back down. Naturally my thoughts are of Brendan and my hardness isn't going anywhere, so I take out my monster hard on and beat it until I explode all over myself. I have no idea what he is thinking of feeling, but all I know is that I think I have just found something else to talk about at therapy.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you to everyone that has reviewed, you are all beautiful :)**

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Seven :)**

Dr Brendan Brady…I thought of nothing else all week. The way I felt when he kissed me, I never thought I'd feel that way about anyone, let alone another man. He really has left an impression on me, one that i don't see myself forgetting in a hurry. The way his tash felt against my skin, how his tongue danced passionately with mine causing every part of my body to respond to him…leaving me wanting more. I go over and over it in my head, how pressing himself up against me almost made me lose control. I wanted to rip his clothes off and climb into his skin, run through his veins like deep red blood. But I am the one who is left reliving that kiss in my mind and crushing on him…my therapist.

This week has flown by and although I am nervous about seeing him, part of me can't wait. What if he brings it up? What if he doesn't? What do I even say to him? I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. It's raining outside and I'm gonna get drenched getting there, but seeing him, it's worth it and who knows maybe he'll like the drowned like a rat look. I think of him walking to the bus stop, I think of him all the way there. As I near the building I wonder what he'll be wearing and if he'll greet me with a smile. Will he meet my eyes? Will he kiss me again?

I wait patiently in the waiting room, it's pretty packed today and I'm wondering if I'll have to wait long. My stomach is in knots and I feel like nerves are getting the better of me. The receptionist calls my name and I take a deep breath and approach his door. I knock and enter, I don't wait for him to tell me to come in, to be honest I can't get in there quick enough. I walk into the room smiling, but my smile fades when I don't recognize the man sitting in his chair. I sit down on the chair opposite the fat balding man and I wonder why Brendan isn't here.

"_Hello Steven is it?"_

"Ste…no one calls me Steven."

"_Well Ste, I'm Dr James Davis and I'm filling in for Dr Brady for today."_

"Why? Where is he?"

"_I can't discuss that with you Ste. Shall we talk about your week? How's it been?"_

"Someone should have phoned and told me, I really don't want to talk with anyone else. Look I'll just come back next week."

"I'm afraid Dr Brady won't be back next week."

"_Well when he is let me know okay, until then I'm outta here."_

I get up quickly and leave the office, I feel absolutely gutted. Why would he do this to me? I've only just opened up to him and deep down I know he's not here because of what happened between us. I am so stupid sometimes, what did I honestly think would happen? He's a posh therapist for fuck sake, why would he be interested in a scally like me? Amy will be home tomorrow and then I'll have nowhere to live. I can't see a way out of this mess and now without him, without his help, I have no one.

I walk out in to the street and I keep walking. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I know ten pound and a bus ticket isn't going to get me far. At least it's not raining now. I come to a bench and sit down, there's a little old man sat there too, but it's still early, at least too early for the pubs to be open. So I sit and wait, picking up the few fag butts that are lying on the ground in front of me. God I even disgust myself. What have I become? Maybe this is what it feels like when you hit rock bottom. I really am scum and I no longer have the energy to dig my way out of this big black hole I have made for myself.

I smoke my last fag butt and head off in search of a pub, any one will do, the first one I find will be my hiding place today and after that who knows. I guess I should've known that this would be my fate. Terry always did say I would amount to nothing and that I'd be left with no one. I stop when I come to _The Piccadilly Taver__n_ I just want a drink now, I need to think about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go when I leave here. I notice a few people sat down as I walk in and it feels like they are all staring at me, which makes me feel even more alien if that is at all possible. I approach the bar and the barman asks me what I want to drink. I order a beer and find a nice quite table, its warm in here and at least I can dry off a bit more as I'm still wet from the earlier rain.

My first beer goes down really well…too well and pretty soon I'm back at the bar ordering another one. There's a guy next to me sat at the bar, he is in deep conversation with his lady friend and his jacket is hanging over the chair. I can see his wallet sticking out of his pocket; I'd be a fool not to take it. I look around to check that no one is watching and then I put my hand inside his pocket and grab his wallet out, quickly shoving it into my pocket. He wouldn't know it was me, he hasn't even noticed me next to him. I down my drink and leave, in search of my next water hole. I soon find it, i couldn't tell you what its called, but when i get inside i can tell its more up market. I go straight to the bar ignoring the stares from the strangers inside.

I open up my new wallet and smile at the amount of dough inside. I order a bottle of bud and find a quiet table away from the lunch time posh twats that must be on their lunch break. Five beers later and i'm feeling a lot more relaxed, I have no intention of leaving now at least not until I can't consume any more alcohol. Then i hear a voice, one i recognize, one that led me to where i am now. My eyes search for him frantically and when i finally see him he is sat a few tables from me with a bubbly woman with blonde hair. I stand up with the intention of going over to him but i don't think i can do that, so i walk past him knocking into him as i do.

"Sorry mate I've had a few too many."

_"Steven..."_

"Dr Brady, where were you today?"

_"I had some holiday to take, so i've got a few weeks off."_

"That's nice, anyway i'm sorry about that, you know bumping into you. I'll see ya."

_"Yeah see ye Steven."_

I go up to the bar and order a vodka and coke, beer is not going to shift this new found mood. I can feel him watching me and when i turn around our eyes meet. He turns away first so i pick up my drink and head back to my table. I wonder who the woman is? Must be his girlfriend or even his wife. I try to block them out, but i can hear him, how i wish he was talking to me right now. I think i would open up about anything. I turn my back to them, it's bad enough hearing the two of them laughing, i can't look at them as well. After a while their conversation stops and Brendan finds his way over to me.

_"Hey Steven, what are ye doing here?"_

"Whats it to you?"

_"Don't be like that, i'm just concerned. Ye look out of it."_

"So it's my life. If you cared so much where were you today?"

_"I told ye Steven."_

"so it had nothing to do with what happened between us."

_"Keep ye voice down"_

"Do you know what Brendan just fuck off will ya. You're just like everyone else."

My mouth is foul, but what does he expect. I have lost everything and the last thing i need is him judging me, making me feel bad for drinking. He let me down too, he doesn't get to tell me what i can and can't do. I came here to drown my sorrows and that is exactly what I'm gonna do.

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	8. Chapter 8

**I think I have lost a few reviewers along the way, I am wondering if i have done something wrong with this fic. To those who are still enjoying it thank you for all your support.**

** Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Eight :)**

I thought he'd gone, I mean I told him to fuck off, if it was me I wouldn't have given him a second thought, but I guess it's his job to care. He didn't sit with me though, he sat close by a few tables away, but his eyes were on me the whole time. I could feel them burning into me, like the hot sun on your skin. I didn't even look at him when I returned to the bar to refill my drink; at the end of the day he's nothing to me is he?

I feel the effects of all the alcohol I've drunk and to be honest I think I've had more than enough, but I keep going anyway because there is nothing left for me now. I don't even know how many I've had, but I can taste the bile in my mouth, you know like you get just before you throw up. I feel the sick coming up and I try my hardest to stop it coming out. I put my hand over my mouth and catch the sick that is trying to escape and then I leg it to the toilet, crashing into chairs and tables as I go.

I make it just in time; my head is so far down the toilet now that I can almost taste the water at the bottom. I keep being sick until there is nothing else to throw up and then I just sit there and feel sorry for myself. I hear the sound of someone coming into the room and i wish I was anywhere but here. I must look a state. I turn around as i didn't have time to close the cubical door and Brendan is stood arms folded looking at me.

"_Ye feeling better now?"_

"What's it to you? Are you stalking me or something?"

"_Don't flatter yourself Steven; it's my job to care."_

"I thought you'd say that, only you're not at work now are you?"

"_Come on I'll take ye home."_

"I haven't got a home anymore. Look I'm not your problem so just go back to your nice life and stay the fuck out of mine."

"_I can't do that Steven; I can't leave you here like this. If something happened to ye, I'd never forgive myself."_

The next thing I felt were his arms on me pulling me up, I clung onto him for dear life, I don't know if it was because I couldn't stand alone or because I desperately wanted to have some kind of contact with him. He held onto me tightly not letting me go and as we walked out of the pub together, I relaxed into him. We walked a little way until we came to silver BMW; he opened the car door and helped me in, I wondered at that moment what a lowlife I must look to him. He got into the driver's seat and started the engine, opening my window a little. He could obviously see that i still needed some air. I didn't ask where he was taking me, I assumed that it would be back to my run down council flat that I didn't really live in anymore, but when the car came to a stop and i looked around, I didn't know the surroundings I found myself in.

"Where are we?" I asked with a croaky voice and a dry mouth.

"_This is where I live Steven."_

"So what am I doing here then?"

"_Sobering up."_

"No it's fine; I'll just go home thanks all the same."

"_Steven ye don't have a choice. Now don't argue with me okay?"_

"Okay…"

"_Good."_

I don't get why he is helping me, it's not like he is getting anything out of this. I'm nothing but trouble with a capital T. His flat is dead posh, just like I thought it would be. Every room is white and modern and I feel like just by sitting on his leather corner sweet I would lower the tone massively. He tells me to sit down and i do, my head is pounding, like it's been hit with a sledge hammer and Brendan is nowhere to be seen. He returns minutes later with a glass of water and some headache tablets, it's like he can read my mind.

"_Here take these, you'll feel better."_

And I do, he looks slightly nervous around me, but I don't blame him for that. He probably thinks that I'm going to steal something.

"It's okay I won't take anything."

"_What are ye on about Steven?"_

He is still stood up fiddling with his hands and looking more on edge than I've ever seen a person look.

"I won't take any of your stuff."

"_What? It's not that Steven."_

"Then why are you looking so nervous?"

"_I'm just not use to company that's all."_

"Shall I go?"

"_No I didn't mean that. Ye can stay here tonight…sleep it off and I'll take ye home tomorrow."_

"I can't expect you to let me stay here. You should have just left me in the pub."

_"Look why don't ye take a shower, you smell of sick and alcohol. I'll go and get ye some towels and a change of clothes."_

Before I even had the chance to thank him he had gone. I wonder why he is being so nice to me, but I'm just glad he is. I need this now. He enters the room again his arms filled with towels and clothes and I smile a little at him, hoping to see one back, but I didn't.

"_Come with me Steven and I'll show where the bathroom is."_

I follow him closely, my eyes fixated on his arse. Wow and what an arse it is. He really is something, it's just a shame I have no chance with him. It's times like this when I wish I wasn't a scally. The bathroom is huge and his bath looks like its big enough for three people.

"_Would you prefer a bath Steven?"_

He must have noticed me staring at it.

"No a shower is great thanks; I've just never seen a bath so big before."

"_Okay well I'll leave you to it then. I'll put the towels and clothes on the edge of the bath."_

"Thanks…oh, Brendan?"

"_Yeah?"_

"Can you turn on the shower for me, it looks a bit complicated."

"_Yeah sure, give us a shout if ye need anything else."_

I waited until the door was closed before I took off my clothes and stepped into the already flowing shower. It felt great to feel the warm water on my skin and for a while I forgot about all my on-going problems, even sang a Cheryl Cole number while I scrubbed myself clean. Once I was finished I turned the shower off and wrapped a towel around my waist. I walked over to the mirror that was hanging above the sink and looked at my reflection. My eyes looked red, still a little out of it, but I was clean…cleaner than I'd been for weeks. I stared for a bit until I felt something on crawling up my leg. I looked down to see a massive black spider and after letting out a scream I ran outside, back into the living room where Brendan was.

"_Jesus Steven what's wrong?" _

We were both suddenly very aware that I was stood naked in front of him, apart from the towel that was covering my cock. I could see him looking at me, every part of me. His eyes were dilating, turning dark in colour and lust was now oozing from him.

"Sorry, there's a big spider in your bathroom and I hate spiders."

He didn't reply to me, his eyes still enjoying the sight, but then I was enjoying him watching me so intently. I could feel myself growing hard, hard because he's so mesmerizing, so gorgeous and every part of me wanted him right now. I dropped my towel allowing him to see me fully and his eyes didn't disappoint me. I noticed him lick his lips; I could tell he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.

"_What are ye doing Steven?"_

"What does it look like…I want you?"

"_Steven cover yourself, don't do this."_

"No!"

But he just sat there, watching and all of a sudden I felt pretty stupid. Stupid because I was throwing myself at someone who was too good for me.

"Sorry I must have misread the signs…again."

I bend down to pick up the towel, but before I have the chance to cover myself he is stood right up close to me. His breathing is erratic, like he's trying his hardest not to give in to the temptation that is stood before him. I try to speak but he just puts a finger on my lips as if to shut me up and then he grabs hold of the back of my head and crashes his lips against mine. I drop the towel again and kiss him back, my hands grabbing at him, desperately trying to hold on to him as right now I feel like I'm drunk again. He kisses me with such force, such urgency that it nearly knocks me off my feet. I can feel his tongue in my mouth and as I catch up to the rhythm of his kiss, I feel my own tongue dance with his. I love how he tastes and I am ready and willing to do anything for him. He breaks away suddenly and I can see something in his eyes has changed; only I don't want it to change.

"_I'm sorry Steven, that shouldn't have happened. I'm gonna pop out for a bit, make yourself at home."_

And with that he was gone and I was left alone again, my thoughts of only him.

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	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you for all your reviews, it means a great deal to me :)**

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Nine :)**

I don't understand why he keeps kissing me like that if he's only going to get cold feet and do a runner. All this is new to me and all he's doing is fucking with my head and to be honest I don't need it fucking with anymore. I'm still feeling the effects of his kiss, my lips feel like they've got a heartbeat of their own, throbbing, tingly and red. I rub my finger over them; closing my eyes and imagining him kissing me again. My cock is aching, aching for some kind of release and now that he's gone and left me all alone, I suppose my own hand and imagination will have to do. I sit down on the sofa and imagine him sat on top of me, staring at me with those intense eyes of his. I take my cock in my hand and slowly start touching myself. In my head he is kissing his way down my body and his lips on my skin feel out of this world. He reaches my cock and looks up at me and smiles before he takes it all in his mouth.

He is a master of this game and I am so close to cumming already. As I imagine him sucking on me harder and faster, my own rhythm speeds up. I am wanking profusely now and it feels like I'm going to pull my cock off if I don't slow down, but I can't help it, that's just how he makes me feel. I let out a moan, even in my imagination and it doesn't take me long to explode all over myself. I cum hard, moaning and groaning loudly, but it feels good, it was just what I needed after his tantalizing kiss. I open my eyes to look at the mess I've made and I'm horrified to see Brendan stood by the door watching me, fucking hell how embarrassing.

"Um…I'm…really sorry…um…I'll get cleaned up."

"Stay there Steven."

His face is unreadable and I have no idea what he is going to do, but all I know is that I wish I was anywhere else but here. I can't believe my therapist has just caught me wanking on his sofa…in his flat. Could it get any worse? I stare at him in a state of confusion, but as he starts to take off his clothes I know exactly what is coming. Maybe I fell asleep; maybe I'm dreaming all of this. I pinch my leg hard, but he's still stripping in front of me. God he is even more gorgeous than I thought. His body is toned, muscular, hot and he has a few tattoos that just look amazing on his skin. I stare at his naked form; his cock looks pleased to see me and even in that area he is very gifted.

I can't take my eyes off him and by the looks of it he can't take his eyes off me either. My heart is thumping loudly and as he approaches me, I wonder if he can hear it. I want to say something, anything that will clear the tension in the air, but my words seem to fail me this time. I watch him as he looks down at my mess that is now all over my stomach. He runs his fingers over my belly, scooping up my cum and then tastes it, letting out an appreciative moan. He straddles me, taking my hands in his and then he takes my breath away by kissing me again. I don't think I have ever wanted anything more in my life. I release my hands from his and grab hold of him, desperately trying to pull him even closer to me. He pulls back from me though, breaking our kiss and I feel the loss immediately, I guess he's having second thoughts again. He is breathless and panting but he is still sat on top of me, at least he hasn't done a runner yet.

"Let's take this into the bedroom Steven."

"Are you sure about this?"

"What do ye think? I've tried my best to fight it, but I can't fight it anymore. I want you Steven; tell me ye want me…please."

"I want you, you know I do. I thought I'd made my intentions clear."

"Yeah ye did, I just wanted to hear ye say it. Now stop talking and let me show you how much I want ye."

He led me to his bedroom and although I wanted him, I couldn't help but feel nervous. I mean this was my first time with a man. I'm acting like I'm full of confidence when really I know nothing. What if I screw up? This is really big; maybe I should just tell him the truth. He pushes me down onto the bed and I watch him closely, wondering what his next move will be.

"Ye have no idea what you're getting yourself into Steven."

I couldn't even respond to him, he was right I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but right now I didn't care. I hadn't felt this good for so long and that was all that mattered now, I would worry about the consequences later. I absorbed him all in, every last bit of him; I didn't think it was possible to desire someone so much, but then I hadn't met Brendan before. He joined me on the bed slowly, almost like an animal stalking its prey…only I'm not going to run away and he knows it's. I want to tell him that he's my first; I think he should know, but what if he laughs at me? Maybe I could just pretend I know what I'm doing. I mean how different can it be? But it's too late now, he has found my lips again and he is kissing me, invading every part of my mouth with his tongue and I am desperately trying to keep up with him.

He is taking complete control, he is overpowering and zealous, but I like it. Maybe he won't notice that I'm new to all this. He kisses my neck gently then works his way down to my chest, I love the feeling of his mouth and tongue all over me and I grab hold of his head as he continues to go lower. My cock is rock solid already and although he's hardly touched me, I have never felt more turned on. He licks my stomach and laps up any last remanding cum from my earlier explosion. It makes me cringe a little, but he seems to enjoy it and that's all that matters. He teases me a little by licking my cock, but I can tell he's playing with me and that he's not quite ready to blow my mind just yet. His kisses travel even further now, until he comes to my hole and as he licks over it I feel my whole body tense up. I didn't even know people did things like that. My reaction has caused him to stop, but I don't want him to stop, I just never expected that.

"Ye okay Steven; do ye want me to stop?"

"No it just tickled a bit…you know your tash and that."

"Good because ye have the tightest arse I have ever seen and I want to pleasure ye beyond belief."

And he continued eating my arse and fuck I have never felt anything like it in my life. It felt amazing and I guess I'm fortunate that he was so hungry. My breathing became uneven, irregular and horny wasn't the word for what I was now feeling. He brought his mouth to my cock again, only this time he wasn't teasing me. He was a man on a mission, and I was very quickly beginning to lose control. As he sucks on me, I push his head down further until he is sucking on every inch of me. I am moaning loudly and I can honestly say I have never been sucked off like this before. Amy didn't have half the skills Brendan has, he really is something.

He brings me to a powerful climax and I watch as he gets off on swallowing every bit of my warm cum. I want to return the favour, make him feel as good as he has just made me feel, but before I know it he has moved me onto my side and he is behind me so that we are spooning each other. He kisses my neck and trails his fingers down my back, I reach my hand round to feel him and pull him closer to me. His fingers are now rubbing against my hole and I wince out in pain as I feel him pushing a finger in and out of me. I soon get used to the feeling though and it doesn't take me long to beg for more fingers. He happily obliges and soon I'm being fucked by Brendan's hand, at least that's what it feels like.

"Ye ready for me Steven? Do you want me to fuck ye now?"

And again I couldn't speak, ecstasy began taking over me, I felt powerless, but all I knew is that I wanted all of him, I wanted him to ruin everything that I am and he did gladly. He gently eased himself into me, I think my tightness might have given away the fact that I'd never been with another man before, but he didn't mention it and neither did I. It felt incredible being full up of Brendan and as he gradually fucked me harder; I took my own cook in my hand, stroking it in time with Brendan's deep hard thrusts.

"I'm gonna cum Steven…cum with me."

I pulled at my cock harder and faster and even begged Brendan to do the same to me. My moans grew louder, Brendan had joined in too and as he injected his cum into me, I came again for the third time. Neither of us moved for a while, both of us coming down from an amazing high. But the silence got the better of me.

"Shall I get going now?"

"What? Ye think I want ye to go after that?"

"Um…yeah…I don't know."

"I'm not finished with ye yet Steven. Plus I don't want ye to go…not unless ye want to go?"

"I don't…I'm happy, I mean I'm good here…if that's okay?"

"It's more than okay…come here."

He's pulls me into those strong arms of his and holds me, kissing the top of head. I feel normal for the first time in ages and most importantly I feel happy. But things like this don't happen for me and anyway we are from two different worlds. I am no good for him…no good for anyone and he is dead posh with a proper job. What does he even see in me? I know how this is going to end, but for now I'm just gonna enjoy the moment and right now I'm enjoying being in his arms.

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	10. Chapter 10

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Ten :)**

I woke up alone, confused and uncertain of my future. Yesterday had turned out to be one of my good days, although good days were a rarity in my world now; but I felt grateful for having one all the same. Spending it with Brendan was simply amazing; being touched by his hands, being wrapped up in him…this certainly was life at its best. I felt like he was all I needed and in a world that seemed full of lies and mistakes, this man had become my truth, my something right.

I wondered though, why him? Was it because he knew things about me? That I had told him what a failure I am? Was I just attaching myself to him because he listened to me? I know it's his job to listen, but it was more than that. Now though lying here alone I'm wondering what to expect now. Maybe I should just leave, go back home to Amy and the kids and try and sort out all this mess. Only I'm scared to leave because when I'm with him I'm happy, when I'm with him the black clouds disappear and all I can see is the sun.

"_Hey you're awake"_

He came into the room with a breakfast tray, munching on a bit of toast as he approached the bed.

"Am I dreaming?" I replied.

He was full of warmth and smiles and it only made me want him more.

"_Ye never had breakfast in bed Steven?"_

"I'm not on about the breakfast" I replied honestly.

It sounded corny and the minute I said it I wanted to take it back, but he didn't seem to mind and that made me feel better about it.

"_Really?_ He replied shoving more food into his mouth.

I didn't expect this, breakfast, him being so normal towards me. I thought he'd want me gone, but maybe he felt the connection as well. I looked at him and saw my own loneliness and neediness reflected back, he felt everything I felt and he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. I'd never felt like that before with anyone, but sometimes you just click with someone and I think I've just met my someone.

He brings his face to mine and I can't move. I can't breathe. I close my eyes as I feel his breath on me, then his lips brush over my lips and I melt into his mouth. His breath is sweet and the taste of coffee lingers in his mouth. I feel my whole body respond to him, one kiss and I'm his again, ready and willing to do anything he wants.

"_So Steven…what do you wanna do today?"_

"This is fine."

"_This…what sex again? You're even more insatiable than me."_

"Is that a bad thing?"

"_No, but I can think of something else to do today."_

"Oh yeah what's that?"

"_I think it's time I met your Amy."_

"Why? She's had enough of me. I've already told you that."

"_I can help ye, I can tell her ye making changes and looking for work though."_

"But I'm not."

"_Yeah but ye will. Don't ye wanna go home?"_

"Oh I see what this is. You've had ya bit of fun with me and this is a polite way of saying that I've out stayed my welcome."

"_What? I'm trying to help ye."_

"Yeah of course you are."

"_Why ye being like this Steven?"_

"Being like what?"

"_I want to help ye, it doesn't always have to be like this. Why are ye always so defensive?"_

"I'm not I just don't want you making out you give a shit when you're clearly trying to get rid of me."

"_I'm not trying to get rid of ye, but I do think Amy needs to know that you're okay. What about ye kids?"_

"They are better off without me anyway."

"_Steven ye need to make some changes and I can't help ye…I want to help ye."_

"Well I don't need your help Brendan; I've never needed your help."

"_My mistake Steven."_

"No its my mistake, thinking that you could look at me in any other way than a fucked up scally."

I didn't wanna leave him, of course I didn't but how was this ever going to work out. He lives in a completely different world than I do. I'm a mess; paranoid, insecure and he will only make me feel worse about myself. I get out the bed trying to hide my naked form. I feel his eyes on me, soaking me in and I desperately want to take back everything I've just said, but it's too late now.

"_Ye going?"_

"I think it's for the best don't you?"

"_No I don't. See this is why I resisted ye. I knew you'd end up fucking with me. Ye have too much going on inside ye head. I know I've been there,"_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"_Nothing…let's just forget it."_

"No I want to know."

"_I'm not doing this now Steven. Ye wanna go? Ye know where the door is…go."_

He leaves the room and I feel like a total idiot. I look around for my clothes and then remember that I left them in the bathroom. They are dirty and smell of sick, I can't go back to Amy and the kids like that, so I reluctantly dress into the clothes that Brendan left for me. My clothes are only fit for the bin now. I make my way into the living room hoping to see Brendan; I really don't wanna leave it like this between us, but the flat is empty and Brendan is nowhere to be seen.

I could leave him a letter if I wasn't so stupid, but I can't even do that. Why do I always have to fuck everything up? I like him…I really like him and now I've pushed him even further away from me. I take one last look at the flat, this was where I first felt true happiness after all, and then I turn around and head on out of the door.

I walk for a bit and try to clear my head. I really thought that I could have had something with Brendan, but I've just ruined any chance of a future with him. That's all I ever seem to do, mess everything up, it's the story of my life. Maybe I should go back to his and sort things out, I want to, but I guess I'm just too embarrassed, so I take the two buses home instead.

The minute I'm back I feel the dark clouds surround me again and the memories of Brendan already feel so long ago. I walk up the path to the flat and I'm already dreading the reaction Amy's gonna give me, she made her feelings quite clear a few weeks ago. I knock at the door and stand back a little, I know I'm asking a lot coming back here, but I don't know where else to go. Amy opens the door and pulls me into a hug, I flinch a little as I wasn't expecting her to do that.

"Is everything okay Ames?"

"_Yes Ste, I'm just glad to see that you are okay. You have hurt me a lot and I'll never forget the things you've put me through, but I want to help you. Especially now a few things have been explained to me. We weren't sure if you'd come home or not. Anyway come on in."_

"What things Amy? And who's we?"

I follow Amy inside and I'm shocked at who is sat down playing with Lucas and drinking tea.

"Daddy" shouts Lucas.

"_Hello Steven."_

My heart is beating fast and it feels like it's in my throat. I thought I'd blown it with him, but maybe i was wrong…maybe he does care.

"Brendan what are you doing here?"

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	11. Chapter 11

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Eleven :)**

It was great to see Lucas, to hold him in my arms, god I've missed him so much, both of them. Unfortunately for me Leah was at school, it would have been nice to have a cuddle with my little princess. Amy took Lucas from me, asking him to play quietly in his room so that Mummy and Daddy could talk. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks; I could have done with seeing him for a bit longer.

This was certainly different, all three of us sat down chatting like we're old friends. I never expected him to be here, sat on my sofa with a cup of tea in his hands. I couldn't help but feel a little rush of excitement at the thought of Brendan coming here and defending my honor to the mother of my kids, the woman that I hurt with my own hands. I guess it was wrong really, I deserved everything that Amy dished out, but Brendan defending me, explaining everything to her made me feel special, more special than I have ever felt before. Amy must of sensed my confusion and she turned all of her attention to me.

"Look Ste at the end of the day, I'll always be here for you. I was just so angry, but now that Brendan and I have had a good chat about you and your progress, I have no problem with you coming round to see the kids. I know that you'll never hurt them, not like you've hurt me. I have to help you get better Ste."

What the hell had Brendan said to her to make her think I was making progress? Fucking the therapist wasn't exactly progress was it?

_"Steven has shown a lot of remorse for what he's put ye through Amy. He is a very broken man, but he is_ fixable_ and I'm sure with both of our support that he'll come good. I know it doesn't seem very professional, but I have suggested him renting a room from me. I feel that it will help ye both rebuild your relationship with each other. Steven needs to support himself, get a job and carry on with therapy. Small steps first though. I'm hardly ever at home, with work and family commitments so Steven will pretty much have the place to himself. He can sort his head out and maybe return to ye a changed man."_

I was speechless, me living with Brendan? When did this even happen? This was all too much for me. Haven't I even got a choice in any of this? I suppose it's better than living on the streets, but what the fuck. I must have zoned out, because I'm brought back to reality by him.

_"Steven…Steven are ye listening to me?"_

"Oh...um…yeah sorry."

"Ste I'm so proud of you for opening up and standing on your own two feet. This takes so much pressure off of me."

Amy comes over to me and wraps her arms around me, I hug her back tightly, it's just hit me how much I'm going to miss her and the kids. I look at Brendan while Amy is still holding me, I notice the intense way that he is watching us…like he's jealous or something. I smile at him, but he doesn't smile back, he just looks at me until Amy moves out of my space and back into her own.

"Brendan I can't thank you enough."

_"It's my pleasure Amy, that's what I'm here for."_

"Can I get you another drink?"

_"Why not, let's have one for the road. Then I'd better get Steven settled in."_

Amy disappears into the kitchen and I watch as Brendan makes his way over to me.

_"Why are ye always throwing these little strops Steven?"_

I could feel his breath on my face as he whispered his words into my ear. My heart rate increased, he was so close to me that I could almost taste him and there was a seductive tone in his voice.

"Why am I staying at yours? Don't I even have a say in this?"

_"I thought you'd want to Steven. And no you don't have a choice and ye will come willingly."_

"Or what?"

_"Or I will just take ye."_

This was messed up, really messed up, so why did I still want to go with him?

"Then I'll have to come willingly won't I?"

_"Good boy."_

Amy presence in the room made Brendan leave my side and return to his earlier position. She handed Brendan his drink and sat back down again.

"Ste you're very quiet, usually I can't shut you up."

"I'm just thinking Ames; I'm going to miss you and the kids."

"You can still see them Ste and let's face it we couldn't have carried on the way we were."

"I know, but I can't remember the last time we weren't together."

"Then get the help you need and who knows what may happen. Maybe we could even start again, together as a couple."

Brendan slammed his cup down on the coffee loudly, the thought of Amy and I together clearly affecting him. I noticed the change of colour in his eyes, how wide they were…jealously running through him and right now he wasn't hiding it

_"Right on that note, let's make a move Steven. Things to do and all that. I've already packed ye clothes."_

"I just wanna say goodbye to Lucas, give me a minute please."

As I made my way over to his bedroom I could already feel the bitter sting of tears in my eyes. As I entered his room, he was sat playing cars, totally in his own little world and I just stood watching him for a few minutes.

"Hey little man, Daddy's got to go now. I'm going away for a little while, so you have to look after Mummy now okay? I will be back all the time to see you though I promise. Give Leah a kiss for me."

I go over to him and hug him tightly, I can feel the tears falling now, my kids are the only things I've got right and to be honest I don't know how I'll cope without them in my life everyday. I feel Lucas hug me back, he notices my tears and wipes them away.

"Bye bye Daddy, love you."

God that was so hard saying goodbye to him, I'd always been here for them and now I have to leave and it doesn't even matter if I want to or not. I've messed up and now I have to deal with the consequences. Amy held it together until I broke down, but she needed this, she needed time apart from me and the stress that I bring. I've lost her trust through my own reckless actions and now I have to try and earn that trust back. The drive back to Brendan's was a quiet one; to be honest I had nothing to say. When I saw him in my flat defending my corner, I thought he'd fixed everything, but instead his has brought me into his world. A world I know nothing about. A world without my kids.

_"Are ye okay Steven?"_

"No not really. What am I even doing staying with you? Why did you lie to Amy? Isn't there rules about this kind of thing?"

_"Don't ye wanna be with me?"_

"I don't mean anything by it. I'm just gonna miss my kids. I didn't even see our Leah."

_"Ye don't have to stay with me Steven if ye really don't want to."_

"I have nowhere else to go do I?

_"I'm trying to help, can't ye see that?"_

"Help me? You said if I didn't come willingly that you'd take me."

_"I told you before that you had no idea what you'd let yourself in for."_

"What is that suppose to mean?"

_"We'll talk later Steven."_

Brendan led the way inside his flat, the flat that would now be my new home until further notice. I shouldn't be so hard on him; he was giving me somewhere to stay after all. I sat down on the sofa, still too shocked to even speak and Brendan just stared at me, obviously waiting for me to say something.

_"Right Steven I have some ground rules. One: No guests, Two: Look for jobs daily and Three: There is no spare room, ye have to stay in my bed with me." So what do ye think?"_

"I think I can do that, although I thought you'd get me back together will my kids. I never thought I'd be staying here with you."

_"Am I really that bad? I did warn ye didn't I? One day you'll thank me. Now will ye stop being so moody and come here? I think we should go back to bed after all."_

Going back to bed and having sex was the last thing on my mind, but I found myself following him and returning to the bedroom anyway. He pushes me down on to the bed and I watch him strip himself bare, god he's so gorgeous and the way he looks at me almost makes me forget that my heart is slowly breaking. I thought being a therapist that he'd know when I needed to talk, but when I tried he silenced me with a kiss and I melted into him once more.

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	12. Chapter 12

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Twelve :)**

Being with Brendan was great, more than great actually. He made me feel things that I didn't even know were possible to feel and more importantly I liked the person I became when I was around him. The sex between us was like nothing I've ever experienced before, intense and passionate yet close and loving all at the same time. He made me feel like I could be a better person that I could actually achieve something in my life and he looks at me in a way that simply takes my breath away.

He has given me somewhere to stay and for that I am grateful, but there is something in the back of my mind that makes me feel like I'm the one that is helping him. That me being here with him in his flat is keeping him sane and not the other was around. Maybe I'm going to be his sex slave, at his beck and call whenever he feels the need for a release. To be honest I wouldn't even care about that, it's more than I deserve anyway. I'm just not sure what to make of the situation I'm in.

He is fast asleep next to me; his arm is wrapped around me tightly, possessively even, but I am wide awake and itching to be free of his clutches. We'd just had the most amazing sex session, I should be on cloud nine, but all I can think about is my kids and the fact that I've just lost them. I manage to wriggle free from his hold, get dressed and leave the bedroom without waking him and I'm thankful for that. Right now I need to feel numb, free from the pain I feel inside; free from the mess I call my life.

I search the place for a bit of cash, anything that will get me a couple of drinks. I don't want a lot just enough to make me feel a bit better; you know take the edge off. Lucky for me I find a jar in the kitchen, I don't know how much is in there, but I take out forty pound and leave the flat quietly in search of the nearest pub. I haven't got far to travel, there are pubs everywhere. I enter the first one I come across and order a pint and a JD and coke. I find an empty table and start drowning my sorrows.

It doesn't take long for me to feel numb; drinking on an empty stomach works every time. I hate this sinking feeling I have; I don't feel in charge of my own life anymore, this therapy shit was supposed to help me not complicate my life further. Brendan has crossed the line with me and now I even have rules to live by. The more drink I consume, the more angry I feel. I mean who the fuck does he think he is? He says he wants to help…but right now Jack Daniels's is helping me.

My head is spinning now and I've lost count on the number of drinks I've necked. I can see some random staring at me a few tables away and I know that any minute now he's going to approach me. I must look a state to other people, but I really don't care…this is who I am. Ste Hay the drunken scally who not only beats his girlfriend but fucks blokes now as well. Terry would be so proud. I was right about the random, he's comes over and sits down opposite me.

"_Hey mind if I join you?"_

"It's a free country, I can't stop ya can I?"

"_Thanks. So what's your name?"_

"It's whatever you want it to be."

"_You look like a James, so I'll call you James. I'm Dan by the way in case you're wondering."_

"I'm not, but thanks."

"_You had a bad day?"_

"I've had many, but I'm good."

"_Care to share?"_

"Look mate I just wanna get shit faced and forget."

"_Sounds good, I can help you forget if you like?"_

"Oh yeah how?"

"_I've got a couple of pills on me; they make you feel good…if you know what I mean."_

"What are they?"

"_Ecstasy...want one?"_

"Don't really do drugs me."

"_Are you scared?"_

"I ain't scared of nowt mate."

"_Prove it then."_

This was a bad idea, but what the hell. I took the pill off of Dan and washed it down with my JD. He was grinning at me like a Cheshire cat and I could feel myself grinning back at him, he wasn't bad looking either, nothing at all like Brendan, but tasty all the same. Everything that happened next happened so quickly. Dan was a charmer and he had me outside and down an alleyway in no time at all.

I could feel his hands all over me; I could feel him kissing me, his tongue plunging deeply into my mouth. I was buzzing…totally buzzing, I can't ever remember feeling this alive. I didn't care who I was or what I'd done before, nothing mattered to me, but this moment. The love I was feeling for this random was obviously drug induced, but fuck it felt good. He didn't stop there, he undone my jeans and dropped to his knees ready to engulf the hardness he'd created.

He took my cock in his mouth and I found myself fucking his face violently. He took it too, took every thrust, he was hungry for me and I felt powerful…in control. I hadn't even given Brendan a second thought, at least not until I saw him standing in front of me with wild eyes, evil eyes, eyes that would frighten the strongest of men. I didn't feel buzzing anymore, reality was beginning to sink in and Brendan had pulled Dan away from me and started beating ten bells of shit out of him. I tried to help, I tried to get him to stop, but he was like another person…a machine.

"Brendan please stop. You will kill him."

I shout at him loudly, begging that he will listen to me, that he will stop before it's too late and thankfully he does. Dan is in a bad way, but I can't help him now. Brendan moves towards me and I'm scared…really scared, I wonder if I'm going to get the same treatment, but instead he picks me up and carries me all the way home to the flat. I don't try to escape; I don't ask him to put me down. I just allow him to carry me home in this degrading way.

We're home and the room is spinning, I feel sick and all I wanna do is go to the bathroom, but Brendan is mad and he is quizzing me, asking me twenty questions. He is ranting and shouting at me, he is ashamed of me, disappointed and all I feel now is regret. He will never look at me the same way now and I only have myself to blame. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to be anyone else but me.

"_What the hell do ye think ye doing Steven? After everything I've done for ye this is how ye repay me. I should have left ye there, left ye being the lost cause that ye are. I thought I could help ye, but I can't help ye. I can't believe I let ye in, I can't believe I thought ye were special. I'm just a fucking idiot."_

I couldn't even answer him; I mean what could I even say? How could I justify my actions after everything? I'm a lost cause he's right, maybe now he will give up on me. Maybe now he will see what everyone else sees…nothing. He chucks some money at me and tells me to get out and that I'm on my own. I can feel the bile in my mouth, I feel like I'm gonna throw up and then I do, all over his carpet.

"_Jesus Steven at least be sick in the bathroom." _He shouts.

I run to the bathroom because I can feel the sick in my mouth again. I stick my head in the toilet and my demons resurface. I hear Brendan come in; he sits down next to me and rubs my back. I don't think I've ever been so sick in my life. I hope Brendan doesn't throw me out I need him, but I don't think I can fix this.

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	13. Chapter 13

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Thirteen :)**

** I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

I could still feel his hand on me, rubbing my back as I got rid of the toxins in my body. I thought he'd leave me to get on with it on my own, but he didn't and I felt grateful for that. I know that I'm out of control and maybe he was right, maybe I am beyond saving, but I need him, I don't want to be alone anymore. I stop being sick finally and I rest my head on the toilet seat. I feel his hand leave my back and I desperately want it back there, but I know don't deserve anything from him now. He leaves the bathroom and I'm left wondering what he plans to do now. If he throws me out I have nowhere to go and I can't see Amy taking me back, especially now. I think about going to see where he's gone, but I can't even lift my head off of the seat. He re-enters the bathroom with a glass of water and some tablets and sits back down next to me. He lifts my head, pops some tablets into my mouth and helps me take a mouthful of water to wash them down.

"_What the fuck were you thinking Steven?"_

"…I'm…sorry…"

"_Sorry isn't good enough. I let you into my life and my head and this is how you repay me by letting some bloke suck you off in an alleyway." _

"…Please…don't throw me out."

"_I don't know what I'm going to do, but right now you need to sleep this off. We'll talk when you're feeling better, because right now I can't even look at you."_

He scoops me up into his arms and I cling onto him, this could be the last time I get to be this close to him after all. I rest my head on his chest, I can smell his aftershave and I really want to kick myself at how stupid I've been. How could I even think about sleeping with anyone else when I have him here? But I wasn't thinking straight and I was drugged up as well as drunk, not the best combination. He takes me into the spare room and as he lays me down on the bed I try to pull him down with me, but he just shrugs and moves away.

"…Stay with me Brendan…I need you."

"_You didn't need me a few hours ago did ye? I'm going out for a bit, get some sleep and I'll check on you later."_

"For what it's worth I really am sorry."

"_Sleep now okay...I'll see ye."_

He leaves me alone and I do what he says, I close my eyes and drift off, hoping that sleep will take away my sickness. When I do eventually wake up I notice that it's darker outside. I sit up in bed, desperately trying to focus, but my head is banging and my mouth is dry. I feel thirsty so I get out of bed with the intention of getting a glass of water, but the noises coming from Brendan's room stops me. His light is on, his door is open a little and I want to peak through it, but part of me doesn't in case I hate what I see. Curiosity killed the cat though and I find myself at his door. I know what I'm going to find, I can hear him. I can hear Brendan pleasing another man and I'm starting to feel sick again.

I take a deep breath and peak through the door and I see him fucking someone else, someone that isn't me. He is in control as usual and his lover underneath him is enjoying every minute. I gasp loudly, I don't mean to but I'm shocked at the sight. Disgusted. Jealous. He turns round and he can see that I'm watching him; I thought he'd stop, but he doesn't, he just fucks him harder…faster and all the while he is staring at me. I feel the silent tears fall down my face and I flee from his door and return to the other room. I don't know what to do, it's late and I have no money, but all I know is that I can't stay here. I can't live my life this way, I'm starting to feel more fucked up than I was before.

I stink of sick, my clothes are a mess and I'm not feeling my best. Maybe I should just stay here for tonight, sleep off my fuzzy head and sort myself out. I know I made a mistake with that guy, but I was drunk, off my face on drugs. At least I didn't sleep with him. Trouble with me is that I get attached to people easily. I thought Brendan liked me, you know really liked me. I guess I was wrong. I can hear some movement outside and I'm pretty certain that Brendan's guest has just left…I hope he has. I can hear footsteps outside my door so I get back into bed and pretend to be asleep. I don't wanna see or speak to him yet. He knocks on my door, but I don't answer him. That doesn't stop him though, instead he enters the bedroom and I can feel his presence standing over me.

"_Steven…Steven! Are you awake? I wanna talk to ye now."_

But I stay still, who the hell does he think he is? I'm not going to be treated this way by him…by anyone. He nudges me a little, but I don't show him any signs that I'm awake. He fucked another bloke and looked me right in the eye while doing it; I don't think I could ever get over that. I feel his hand on my face and he rubs it gently and then I feel his lips on mine and I want to respond to him but I don't and everything is just one big mess. Then I can feel his breath against my face and he whispers in my ear.

"_I'm sorry Steven…he meant nothing."_

And then he was gone and I was left feeling even worse. Worse because he said he meant nothing, worse because I didn't talk to him and worse because now I've realised just how much I like him. How could he do this to me? Why did he do this to me? He's a therapist and he's fucking with my head more than anyone else is, or even has. I don't need this, I don't need him and tomorrow I'm going to sort out this so called life of mine.

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	14. Chapter 14

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter fourteen :)**

I didn't get much sleep after that and morning came around too slowly, but the minute it did I got up and made my way into the bathroom to freshen up. Today is the beginning of my new life and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down again. I fill the sink up with water and splash it all over my face, it feels good on my skin, so good that I find myself doing it repeatedly. I decide on having a shower; I can't exactly go home to Amy begging for somewhere to stay smelling of drink and sick. So I climb into the shower and turn it on. I feel the warm water hit me and I feel a million times better already. I don't stay in there long I just do what I have to do and then I get out; I have a busy day ahead of me. Brendan must have heard the shower, because he is now stood against the bathroom door with his arms folded, clearly blocking my exit. I look at him, but my expression is blank, I'm not giving anything away and I will try my hardest to stay strong and not let him talk me round.

"_Steven can we talk?"_

"There is nothing to say. You showed me how you felt about me last night; can we just leave it at that?"

"_About that…it didn't mean anything."_

"And you're telling me this why?"

"_Because I don't want to hurt ye."_

"You haven't hurt me, I've hurt myself. I thought you actually cared, but I was wrong. You just like being in control. You used me for sex, my own therapist and I let you because I'm a fucking mess."

"_It's not like that at all."_

"Really? Then why fuck that bloke? Why do that in front of me? You know how messed up I am."

"_I did it because ye had some other bloke sucking on ye cock. I did it because I wanted ye to know how it felt. You made me angry…so angry and I needed to release that anger somehow. I didn't want to…"_

"You didn't want to what?"

"_It doesn't matter…just forget I said anything."_

"Don't worry I will. I intend to forget everything you've said to me. I just wanna forget and I wanna go home.

"_Ye can't go home."_

"Really? Watch me."

He thinks I'm going to stay here and watch him shag random men then he's got another thing coming. I try to leave the room, but he is still standing by the door and by the look on his face he has no intention of moving. I beg and plead with him but he still refuses to let me pass unless I talk to him. I reluctantly agree, but all I wanna do is get the hell out of here and go home…to Amy and the kids.

"_Just hear me out Steven."_

"Okay, but can I please just go and get dressed first?"

"_Yeah sure just don't be doing a runner on me. I'll make us a cuppa."_

He leaves me to it and I make my way back to the spare room and get dressed. I contemplate escaping him, leaving out of the window, but I don't think that is a very good idea. I like him, really like him, but I know that if I stay here, he will break my heart and destroy any tiny bit of confidence I have left. All I want is a bit of normality, but I don't think I'm going to find it with him, sometimes I think he is more fucked up than I am. I get dressed and make my way to the living room where Brendan is sat waiting, he looks nervous and uneasy, taping his fingers on his legs.

"_Sit down Steven." _

"I'm okay standing ta."

"_Last night…I was out of my mind. It was stupid and it won't happen again."_

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. We're not together are we? I'm just a client or should I say ex client. We crossed a line and being here with you is making me even more fucked up. You know I like you, but this is my life not a game and I can't stay here knowing that I'm just a toy for you to play with when you're bored."

"_That's not how I feel about ye Steven, ye must know that surely."_

"No I don't, I mean we haven't talked much have we?"

"_I liked ye from the minute I saw ye. The minute ye sat down on that chair in front of me I knew. I tried hard to fight every thought or feeling about ye, but when ye kissed me I knew I couldn't fight it anymore."_

"So last night then, why?"

"_Purely to be in control. I wanted to make you angry and jealous, all the things I felt when I saw ye and that bloke."_

"I can't stay here with you Brendan, I feel like I can't breathe. You are playing with my head and I need to think clearly if I'm going to sort my life out."

"_But I don't_ _want ye to go."_

"I'm sorry, but I have to, for my own sanity. Thanks for giving me somewhere to stay; I'll get my stuff another time."

I make way over to the door, but he pulls on my arm so tightly that he is actually hurting me. I try to wriggle free but it's no use he's not letting go.

"Let go of me Brendan, you're hurting me."

"_I said ye are not going and I meant it."_

He looks angry and I can't help but feel a little scared. Is this what Amy feels like every time I lose my temper with her? He must see that I'm shaking now because he lets go of my arm and backs away from me.

"_I'm sorry Steven. I did try to warn ye about me didn't I? Let's just say ye had a lucky escape. Go now!"_

He's shouting now, telling me to go, but now all I wanna do is stay. I wanna know why he is so mad, why he feels he has to control every situation. Something is clearly wrong and I wanna find out what it is.

"You can talk to me you know?"

"_You playing therapist now? I thought I told ye to go."_

"Why are you being like this?"

"_Because I can."_

I'm still standing by the door and he makes his way over to me. There is something different in his eyes, something I haven't seen before. He is standing close now, pushing me back further until I collide with the door.

"_If ye don't leave I will make ye leave."_

I see him draw back his fist and tears are now beginning to form in my eyes. He doesn't hit me though; he hits the wall by the door instead, over and over again. I can see blood pouring from his knuckles, he's shouting again, almost screaming and I just open the door and run, not looking back. Once I'm outside I think about going back to see if he is okay, but what would be the point, he is in no state to talk. I thought that therapy would be the making of me, not bring me down even further. Terry was right there must be something wrong with me; he told me once that everybody would know that I'm a nobody and he was right. I just bring out the worst in people. I walk around for a bit, but a few hours later I find myself going back to him, back to his flat, back to a place I feel bound to, but don't even know why.

I notice that the flat door is open and once I'm inside everything I can see is trashed and broken into pieces. I feel out of my depth here, but I search for him nervously anyway. I find him in the bedroom asleep, with blood stained fists. I take this opportunity to run my fingers through his hair and gently place my lips on his. He stirs and open's his eyes and I wonder if I'm going to make him mad again, but I don't and he pulls me down next to him and holds me in his arms. It's then I realise that maybe we have a little more in common than I thought. We don't talk at all, he just holds me close like I'm his only security and I let him because right now he's mine too.

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	15. Chapter 15

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Fifteen :)**

I let him hold me tightly and I pretend not to listen when I hear him quietly crying. I can feel the wet patch against my back, but I don't say anything to him, I don't want to make him angry again. I just allow him to release the negative emotions that he seems to be feeling right now. I want to break the silence, I want to ask him why he feels so bad, but I know he won't talk to me. Brendan listens, he doesn't talk and I don't think I'll ever change that.

"_I know what ye must think of me Steven."_

His broken voice almost makes me jump. Being laid together in silence for so long does that to you I suppose. I want to make it all better for him, but I don't even know what to say to him.

"I don't think anything Brendan. I was just worried that's all."

"_What were ye worried about?"_

"You're silly, I was worried about you."

"_Even after how I treated ye?"_

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"_Not really Steven. Let's just say you're not the only one with skeletons in their closet. I just wanna forget now."_

"You need to talk though, isn't that what you tell me? We could help each other couldn't we?"

"_Do ye really think it's that simple Steven? You have no idea what I've done or who I am."_

"So tell me."

I watched as he moved away from me, got out of bed and left the bedroom. I wondered if I should go after him and make him talk to me. He looked so fragile, like a lost little boy, not at all like the man I first met. He came back in the bedroom minutes later and sat down on the bed next to me.

"_A few years ago, there was someone…a client who killed himself. We became quite close over the time that I was his therapist. He was only Twenty two when he died."_

"How did he do it…I mean how did he die?"

"_He jumped off a bridge. They said his death would have been instant but that doesn't make it easier does it?"_

I could see him struggling to tell me anymore, he looked devastated, like it had happened recently rather than two years ago.

"What was his name?"

"_Vinnie."_

"Is there something else Bren?"

"_We were lovers and I…"_

"It's okay you can tell me, I won't judge you. We all have a past."

"_I used to hit him Steven. I have always been ashamed of being gay and I guess I just took it all out on him."_

"I can't condemn you for something I have done Brendan."

"_But I should know better. I'm a fucking therapist. I'm supposed to help people, not make them commit suicide." _

I can't hide the fact that I'm shocked, it's weird listening to someone else admit their sins. Sins that are even greater than mine. I can see he's trying hard not to cry, the tears are forming in his eyes and I want to make everything okay, I want to take away the pain that is so evident in his heart.

"So why did he do it? Why did he kill himself?"

"_He told me he loved me, he said he wanted to be with me. Unfortunately I didn't feel the same. He said if I didn't give him what he wanted then he would kill himself. I called his bluff and guess what? He wasn't bluffing."_

"You can't blame yourself for not feeling the same."

"_I led him on; I played with him and then beat him up when he got too involved."_

"You didn't kill him though did you?"

"_Really? I might not have pushed him, but I killed him. We had a fight that night too. It was the first and last time he ever hit me back. What kind of person does that? I'm no good Steven. I shouldn't even be helping other people when I can't even help myself."_

"You can't blame yourself. It was his choice to end his life."

"_He left me a note."_

"What did it say?"

"_He told me that I was the reason why he didn't want to live anymore. He told me that I would always have blood on my hands. I know the blood isn't visible, but I'm sure I can see it sometimes."_

"You need to let this go Brendan. Okay so you hit him and although that's wrong you didn't kill him. You need to forgive yourself."

"_I can't Steven, I've tried but I can't. It's with me every day and it never goes away. Why does it still affect me if it wasn't my fault?"_

"Because you have a heart that's why."

"_Since when did ye become so good at talking?"_

"I don't know actually. I wish I could take some of my own advice."

"_Whatever ye are going through Steven ye can beat it. I know ye can because unlike me ye are good."_

"You can beat it too, you just have to believe."

"_I've never told anyone about Vinnie. I thought that if ye knew that it would scare ye off."_

"You said you see good in me, well I see good in you too. You're hard work sometimes, but I think I understand you a bit better now."

"_I just don't want anything to happen to ye. I wanna protect ye Steven."_

"So what is this? Us? I don't even know what you want from me."

"_I know that ye are different from the others. I didn't feel for any of them the way I feel about ye."_

"This is all new to me too you know."

"_I still have trouble excepting that I'm gay, I think I always will. I blame my Da for that, but that's another story."_

"So what now?"

"_I know I don't want ye to go…stay with me...please?."_

"I can't be like Vinnie though Bren."

"_You're not and I would never put myself in that situation again. I'm not always good with words, I'm better at showing ye how I feel."_

"And how are you gonna do that?"

"_Like this."_

And before I could say anything, he is there on top of me. He is cupping my face in his hands and brushing his lips gently across mine, a sweet prelude of what is about to come. He's teasing the corner of my mouth, making me wish for just a little more. And then he gives me more and he's kissing me with passion that makes me moan and gasp. His lips pressing deeply against mine and right now It feels like all of our problems had vanished. I feel his tongue stroking mine and then they join and move together. Nothing feels better than this and I love the fact that my body responds to every single touch. Right now it feels like we are the only ones in the world.

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	16. Chapter 16

**I know I don't always say a lot, but I want you all to know how grateful I am for any reviews and follows on this story. You all give me the will to continue when others think I should not. So thanks again.**

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Sixteen :)**

As good as it feels his lips all over mine it's not really the reassurance I need. He said he used Vinnie for sex, so what makes me so different? I can't help but wonder what he looks like this Vinnie, what if my fate ends up being the same as his. It's clear that Brendan has problems, what if together we make each other even more unhinged. It's just this feeling he gives me though, a feeling that comes from the bottom of my gut and warms my whole body. He makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters but him and somehow I don't think I'm going to throw that away regardless of what happened with Vinnie. It's a risk getting more involved with Brendan, but it's a risk I think I have to take. Who knows we might just end up saving each other. I break away from him because this isn't what I need right now.

"_Hey ye okay?" _He asks me. I smile at him, but I can tell he thinks that he's done something wrong.

"Yeah I'm fine; I just think we should get you cleaned up."

I show him his blood stained fist, but I can tell by his face that he doubts me.

"_Is that really all this is Steven, a bit of blood?"_

Maybe he knows me too well already.

"Yeah of course."

"_So why are ye lying to me then? Look is this about Vinnie?"_

I think he's studied me too well.

"I guess it is a little. I can't help but worry about it. What happens when you've had enough of me? You know I'm damaged."

"_I'll never have enough of ye."_ He interrupts. _Plus ye not damaged, ye just someone who has been through a lot."_

"You know that already do ya? I don't even know what to make of all of this…of us. None of it even makes any sense."

"_Does that make it wrong does it?"_

"You were my therapist Brendan and now I'm in some kind of relationship with you and I'm staying in your spare room. Don't you think it's a bit much?"

"_No Steven I don't. There is just something about ye. Ye must feel it too?"_

Of course I feel it; I feel it every time I'm with him. I know exactly what he is talking about because I feel the same way for him. But I am one of life's worriers and I can't help but worry about how unhealthy this relationship is.

"The thing is Brendan I need to know more about you. I need to be sure that I'm not just another charity case. I need to know I'm not just here to ease your guilt."

"_Ease my guilt for what?" _

"For what happened with Vinnie. Maybe if you manage to help me sort my life out, then you'll forgive yourself for him. I bet I even look like him don't I?"

I'm hoping that he says no, I'm hoping that Vinnie and I are complete opposites, but he is looking at me like I have just figured him all out and I know what the answer is before he even starts talking.

"_Ye have similarities Steven I'm not going to lie, but that's all." _

I knew it, I try to hide my disappointment, but it's really hard.

"Similarities, what similarities?"

"_Ye really wanna know Steven?"_

"Yeah I really do."

"_I can't believe I'm doing this. I guess ye build; Vinnie was about your size and height, but his hair was darker than yours and his eyes were brown. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with eyes as blue as yours."_

"What else?"

"_Age, he was younger as well."_

"Seems like we have quite a lot in common then?"

"_Ye are different inside. He never stood up for what he believed in, but ye on the other hand, ye have passion. Being a Dad does that to a person."_

"So you're not just in this with me because I look like him."

"_No I'm not and ye don't even look like him anyway. Steven I know how this must seem and I hate knowing that you doubt everything that I say, but I promise I wouldn't lie to ye."_

"How do I know that you're telling me the truth?"

"_Ye don't, I guess ye just have to trust me. Can ye do that, can ye trust me?"_

I want to more than anything; I want to be able to sort my life out and to come out on top with him by my side, but it's just not that simple. I have so many doubts, now more than ever. I'm a mess and so is he, but this thing with Vinnie and the similarities between us makes me think that he is just trying to redeem himself. I can't be just the righting of a wrong for him, not when I feel this way about him.

"I guess I'm gonna have to try aren't I?"

"_Good I'm glad to hear. Now where were we?"_

And before I could say anything else he's taking off my clothes and exploring my body with his hands. His mouth soon finds my cock and his warm lips wrap around it like they are always supposed to be there. I close my eyes and hold on to his head, pulling his hair slightly. Brendan works his magic with his tongue, teasing the head of my cock, licking, kissing and biting it before engulfing me completely. As he bob's greedily up and down I couldn't help but thrust my hips forward, giving him more of a mouthful than he already has. I glance down and the sight of him just blows me away. His eyes are closed and his mouth is full of me, yet the enjoyment on his face is evident. The way he sucks on me and the moans of appreciation tells me just how much he is enjoying pleasing me. He opens his eyes to see me watching him, but this just makes him even more rampant. I grab hold of his hair tighter as he sucks on me harder and faster, his beautiful blue eyes staring into my own. I couldn't contain myself any longer and I let go into his mouth and watch intently as he gulps down every last bit of my warm cum. I want to touch him back, but after a gentle kiss on the lips he moves away from me. I can see how hard he is, the massive bulge in his trousers isn't about to go away any time soon, not without my help anyway.

"Where you going?" I ask him.

"_Like ye said Steven, I'd better wash this blood off my hands."_

"I think you should just come back to bed and let me do something about that bulge in your trousers."

"_I'd love nothing more, but I wanna clean this shit up first. Plus I'm still not convinced that ye want to be here with me. I can see the doubt in ye eyes. I want ye to be sure and I want this to be what ye want. Maybe we just need to talk some more."_

"You like to be in control don't ya?"

"_What makes ye ask that?"_

"It's just that everything is on your terms…even sex. I tell you to clean up, but you suck me off instead. Now I want a fuck, you go and clean up. It's like everything is a big game to you."

"_It's not that at all Steven, although I do like to be in control. I just want ye to be certain that this is what ye want. I am hard work at times and there are more skeletons in my closet, but together I think we can help each other. I want to at least try don't ye?"_

"Yeah I think I do."

"_Good, now I'm gonna get cleaned up. I suggest ye do the same. We have things to do today."_

"Things to do, what things?"

"_Well ye need a new therapist for one and I think it's about time ye got yourself a job. Won't be long."_

He makes it sound so simple, he makes everything sound simple. See that's the beauty of him, I really think I can do anything when I'm with him. Maybe something good will come out of all this after all. He's the only person who has ever got through to me and as strange as it is, I find myself listening to him. It's funny how I feel like I can't breathe when I'm around him, but then I feel exactly the same when I'm not with him. How can you feel so much for one person, with so many different emotions? At least Brendan believes in me, which is more than anyone else has done. Who knows if I play my cards right I might even get a job out of today.

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	17. Chapter 17

**Pulling Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter Seventeen :)**

**For those of you who haven't lost interest thanks for sticking with this story. All reviews are greatly appreciated.**

I tried my hardest not to think about Vinnie and the similarities we shared, I tried not to think about how fucked up this so called "relationship" is and I tried even harder not to let it all cloud my judgement when making a decision about my future with Brendan. He is so strong willed, overpowering and intense and I'm not used to that. I'm the one that's usually in control, or at least I was before with Amy, but now the tables have turned and I find myself going along with everything he says. Maybe I listen because he's a therapist or maybe I listen just because he dominates me completely, either way I guess it's always easier to sort out someone else life than deal with your own. I think underneath it all he's just as screwed up as me. It's like we're two lost souls that have come together and we'll either fix each other of mess each other up more.

We spent most of the afternoon in the job centre and together we phoned up six different jobs. None of them were anything special. Mostly bar jobs and kitchen porter jobs, but then I'm never gonna get anything special am I? I didn't go to college or even finish school so I can't expect much but ,then, a jobs a job. At least then I can support Amy and the kids. Brendan stayed true to his word and by the end of the day I had three interviews and a new therapist, if only he could sort his life out as quickly as he can sort out mine. I get the feeling that Brendan wants to save me, I know we have chemistry and I could never deny that, but I can't help but wonder if he'll get bored of me. Maybe he won't want to know when I'm on my feet again; maybe he just likes the lost cases. What happens when another one walks through his door? Will I be replaced?

"_Everything Okay Steven? You've been really quiet."_

Brendan interrupts me from my thoughts; it's like he knows what I'm thinking.

"Yeah I'm just tired and hungry; it's been a long day."

"_Do you wanna get something to eat? There's a nice pub up the road, does a mean Steak."_

"Yeah okay that sounds nice. I fancy fish though. Fish and chips, you can't beat it."

"_Wouldn't ye rather have steak Steven?"_

"No not really. I want fish."

"_Then fish it is."_

Even with food he is controlling, for a minute I thought it was going to be a problem me wanting fish, but once inside the pub he ordered me fish and chips just like I wanted. Although I did have the choice of peas or beans and he automatically choose for me. He chooses peas, but I would've gone for beans. Luckily I like them both. We sit together happily, chatting about everything and nothing and I feel so relaxed with him now. See like this, when it's just the two of us doing normal things it's great. I almost forget what a failure I am and how fucked up he is.

"_Ye fish okay Steven?"_

"Yeah it's really tasty, I'm glad I didn't listen to you. How about your steak?"

"_I've had better to be honest, plus ye fish looks the dogs bollocks. Fancy sharing?"_

I end up sharing my fish with him, I sometimes wonder where he puts all the food he eats; you wouldn't know to look at him, his body is like a temple. I only eat half of my meal, yet he eats all of his and then the rest of mine. I'm sure he has worms.

"_Ye fancy a beer to wash down all this food?"_

"Yeah sounds good to me."

I watch him walk to the bar, my god he is gorgeous. I still don't get what he sees in me. I think I'll have to sort out all these insecurities otherwise I'm gonna push him away and I really don't wanna do that. I notice that I'm not the only one watching him; he's the sort of person who walks into a room and everyone looks at. He oozes confidence and sexiness and it makes you want to be around him. I try and not watch him with the same smitten stare as he walks back to the table with two beers.

"_So how ye feeling about the interviews?"_

And before I could answer him his phone starts to ring. He takes his phone out of his pocket and rolls his eyes as he stares at the screen.

"Someone you don't wanna talk to?"

"_It's my sis; I'll have to get this. Won't be long okay?"_

He leaves me at the table and takes the call outside, I feel like a right Billy no mates sat here and I feel slightly on edge. Ten minutes go by and he still hasn't come back to the table and I'm beginning to wonder if he's gonna come back at all. I notice a bloke looking at me from the bar and that's making me feel even more uncomfortable, I just want to get out of here now. My fears are heightened when the bloke approaches my table and sits down opposite me.

"_Hey are you by yourself? I couldn't help but notice you look a bit lonely."_

"I'm just waiting for someone."

"_Do you mind if I keep you company until you're someone arrives?"_

"Umm yeah okay."

I start to feel panicky; sitting here with some bloke is not a good idea. It's like history repeating itself. I remember the last time, only this time is different, I'm not off my face and there is no way I'd make that mistake again. The random is chatting shit and to be honest I'm not really listening, all I want is for Brendan to come and rescue me. After another five minutes or so I see Brendan walking over to me, he has noticed the bloke who is now desperately trying to chat me up and he doesn't look happy at all. My stomach flips a little at his reaction.

"_Not interrupting anything am I Steven?"_

"No not at all."

"_Only I don't want to disturb the two of ye, not when ye look so cosy."_

"Brendan stop it. We were just chatting. No harm done."

"Yeah mate calm down."

"_Mate, I'm not your mate. Now if ye don't mind I want my seat back."_

I could see Brendan was mad, the wild look in his eyes made me feel sick and although I don't think he would ever hurt me I couldn't help but feel scared. The random bloke quickly departed and Brendan sat down immediately.

"_Ye just can't help yourself can ye Steven?" _

"What do you mean? I didn't do anything."

"_I leave ye for five minutes and ye already have someone else lined up."_

"What! I've been waiting for you for twenty minutes. As for the bloke that was sat here, he came over to me. I told him I was waiting for someone. You don't think much of me do you? Do you know what I don't need this, I'm outta here."

"_Don't walk away from me Steven."_

"Too late, I'm walking."

I move quickly out of the pub, I know he is close behind and I'm glad he is because I don't even know where I am or where I'm gonna go. He tells me to stop but I carry on walking away from him. I wanna see how far he'll follow me. I shouldn't play games not when he's angry but I'm mad at him too right now.

"Steven just wait now!"

He shouts so loudly that it makes me stop in my tracks instantly.

"What do you want Brendan?"

"_Ye have to stop making me so mad."_

"I haven't done anything, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

He pulls on my arm and drags me down an alley way, I hate to admit it but I'm scared, so scared that I begin to shake. He pushes me up against the wall and stares at me. I can't look at him; I can't speak to him, not when he is like this. He gets right in my face, I can feel his breath and I wait nervously for something to break the silence.

"_This is all your fault."_

"Please don't hit me."

"_What? Do ye really think I'm gonna hit ye Steven?"_

"Aren't you?"

And then I feel his lips on mine and he is kissing me urgently. I kiss him back with just as much urgency even if minutes before I thought I was gonna get a beating. He engulfs me, wraps his tongue around mine and presses his body against me. I can feel his hardness digging into me and he is grabbing at me with a desperation that I have never seen before. He trails his kisses down my neck and I want him so much in this moment. He strips me off from the waist down, my trousers and boxers are round my ankles and I'm so hard for him. He tells me to turn around and I respond to him straight away. I lean my hands on the wall and stick my bum out, I know what he wants and I want to give him everything. I hear him fumbling around with his trousers and I know he released his harness as one of his hands is now holding onto my waist. I can feel the end of his cock tickling my hole and then I feel him thrust himself deeply inside me.

He fucks me hard, his rhythm is wild and frantic and although I should worry about him right now I can't because it feels so good. Someone could see us and I wouldn't care, he makes me feel so desired. He is so deep inside me now that my eyes stream with water, his balls are slapping against the cheeks of my arse and I love the sound of it.

"_This is what ye do to me. Ye make me so mad for ye. I'm gonna cum inside ye Steven would ye like that?"_

"Yes…fuck yes."

He holds onto me tighter and fucks me even harder; I grab my own cock and pull on it eagerly. I want to scream out his name, but I know I can't. I can feel his warm cum now as he explodes inside me, I join him and cum all over my hand. We stay that way for a few minutes, both of us breathless, both of us hot and sweaty. He pulls out of me and redresses himself, I follow suit and pull up my boxers and trousers.

"_I'm sorry Steven I just had to have ye."_

"You scared me. I really thought you were going to hit me."

"_I would never do that, ye must know that."_

"I wasn't so sure to be honest."

He kisses me again, gently this time and I can't help but feel bad for doubting him. It's just that he gets so angry and that anger has to go somewhere.

"_Look let's just go home, It's been a long day. Plus I think we need to talk some more."_

"Okay."

He takes my hand and leads me out of the alley way and together hand in hand we walk home.

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